Untitled

I'm hoping that by writing this I'll feel better. Maybe by writing it, I'll realize how stupid it would be if I really did it. But, as I'm typing, I can think of more reasons to do it than not to do it. I'm hoping that this feeling will pass soon and I'll get onto happier thoughts. But, as I was thinking about going to the doctor and trying to explain why I think I need some kind of anti-depressant, I was thinking "What if I really want to do it and the drug keeps me from doing it?" Despite what I've written earlier about not being suicidal that, my friends, is a suicidal thought. Please God, and all the angels and saints, if I'm not meant to "do it," let me hang on for 16 more days until I see the doctor because right now all I can think about is the easiest way to do it.

(Un)Comfortably Numb

Have I ever mentioned that one of the minor annoyances of this, or any abdominal surgery, is numbness? Well, I should have because it drives me nuts sometimes. I get an itch somewhere on my abdomen but, I can't scratch it because the whole area is numb. I learned that rubbing vigorously instead of scratching to no avail works because it gets the nerve endings working, for a little while anyway. Then there's the ice thing. Sometimes when I put ice on my abdomen I get frustrated because I think it's not cold enough or it's just not working. Then I remember that it's probably working, I just can't feel it. It's really strange to not feel a cold sensation on your abdomen but, if you put your hand on it, you feel that it's cold. I've heard that the numbness can last for years. I hope that's not true in my case.

Speaking of ice on my abdomen, I don't think I ever mentioned why I have to be horizontal twice a day with ice on my belly. I wrote about how much I overdid during Fourth of July weekend but, I didn't write about the consequences. Because I wasn't a good girl, and didn't put my feet up as much as I'm supposed to during the day, I developed a pocket of lymphatic fluid that was, using the non-medical term, stuck. If the pocket burst, I could have ended up very sick, at the very least, and in the hospital. So, I was put on bed rest for 12 hours. (At least. He told me not to set my alarm for 5 a.m. just because the 12 hours would be up. I was supposed to take sleeping pilils and sleep 'til I woke up on my own.) Then, for the next six weeks (2 more to go!) I'm supposed to "be horizontal" for an hour in the afternoon and an hour in the early evening with an ice pack on my abdomen so that fluid doesn't build up and get stuck again.

The moral of the story is: If you're told to put your feet up every couple of hours, put your feet up every couple of hours.

The Thing

I have a new, better attitude about swelly belly. A couple of days ago I started to go upstairs to my bedroom to do my hour in the afternoon of being horizontal to avoid fluid build-up. Then I realized I had forgotten to get an ice pack. I put my hands on my abdomen and said to my mom "I have to get ice to put on this thing." Now, that's how I'm thinking of it: The Thing. It feels as if it's some huge water balloon connected to me more than it feels as if it's part of me, so why not? I'm not allowed to do ab crunches or sit-ups or anything like that yet because the swelling means I'm not healed inside yet and intense exercise would only make it worse. But I am allowed to do isometric exercises, which I have been doing, and I can feel the muscles getting tighter. It gives me hope that when The Thing goes away, I'll have a flat stomach again.

It is starting to go down a little. I can regularly wear my pre-surgery jeans now. Yesterday, I wore a pre-surgery skirt, and not the loose, flowing ones I've been wearing. My abdomen stuck out a little bit in it but, I didn't really care. It just proved to me that it's fluid retention, not fat, because the skirt fits the same, if not better, in every other place.

It's weird that swelly belly bothers me so much. It's not the worst thing about recovery but, aside from being tired, it is the most frustrating. I guess that's because I worked so hard to loose all the weight I lost and now there's nothing I can do about The Thing except wait. But, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There really is. I'm just thankful I'm able to see it.

Taking the Bad with the Good

It's time to re-evaluate how I'm feeling, if for no other reason than to remind myself that I feel better than I did pre-surgery.

Bad
1.Depression
2.Insomnia (could be related to the depression)
3.Fluid retention/swelly belly (it is getting better though. I only gained, and lost, 5 pounds of it last week instead of the 9 or 10 I was gaining and losing for few weeks prior to last week.)
4.Exhaustion starting in the early evening.
5.Hot flashes (C'mon ovaries! Start working right again. Soon, please!)

Good
1.No periods! (I won't even list the myriad advantages of that.)
2.No migraines
3.No lower back pain
4.Clearer complexion
5.More energy for most of the day
5.Only rare internal pain (and that's only when I overdo it and forget I'm still healing and still have internal stitches)

Although the numbers are equal, the good does far outweigh the bad mainly because (I hope!) the bad is only temporary. I sure hope the doctor will hook me up with some Zoloft or something, though. I have an appointment in about 2 weeks. This appointment was made a year ago when he told me I was perfectly healthy but I needed to see my gynecologist. Although I feel really, really bad sometimes (depression-wise), most of the time I think I can wait until the regularly scheduled appointment to get it taken care of. Actually, I think I'm hoping it'll go away on its own. That is possible. One of the many things I've learned during this experience is how everything can change from one day to the next. But, I did promise myself that if I catch myself falling even deeper into depression, I'll go to the doctor earlier.

St. Theresa

Yesterday, I started the five-day St. Theresa Prayer. The reason I like praying to St. Theresa is that I'm a skeptic and I don't always believe my prayers are being answered. She, however, gives signs (roses) that they are. Although I didn't see a rose yesterday (Sometimes I don't on the first couple of days.), she gave me something more important: Clarity. That clarity helped me to know that I was doing the right thing this morning. After I did it, I was hit with a feeling of tranquility that told me I had done what I was supposed to do.

By the way (and this has nothing to do with St. Theresa), I'm not suicidal. I do have thoughts about my own death but, I'm not thinking about bringing it on myself. I think of it in terms of not wanting to get older and be a burden to my family, most likely my nephews and their future wives. If I had a choice, I'd rather get hit by a bus or have a fatal heart attack or something else that's quick. Actually, if you believe Sylvia Browne, and I do believe a lot of what she says, we've already chosen our paths in life and our "exit points" before we're even born. I hope I was smart enough to choose a quick exit.

Blogathon

In my other blog, I'll be participating in Blogathon 2005 next month. The charity I've chosen is The Global Fund for Women, a very important and worthy cause, I believe. Please check out their Web site and I'm sure you'll agree.

The reason I'm mentioning it here, is that I'll be telling my entire hyststory from beginning to Aug. 6, which is the day of the event. I've been trying to keep my hysterectomy experiences separate from the other blog because, hey, not everyone wants to read about this stuff. The reason I'm making an exception for Blogathon is that I believe everyone needs to know more about this. I really think it will help fathers, husbands, sons, etc., understand what the women in their lives may be experiencing. I believe it will help women who've been there as well as those who may be looking at a hysterectomy in their future. I also believe that doctors and other healthcare workers may get something out of it as well. If what I write makes one doctor take even one woman seriously when she says she has painful periods, it'll be worth it.

I'm hoping some of you will consider sponsoring me. If you do, you'll have to register first, but I think it'll be worth it. After registering, go here if you'd like to sponsor me. If you don't want to sponsor me, please consider donating to another worthy cause. Thank you!

Depression

OK. Here's the thing. I try to be upbeat. I tell myself I'm feeling better, which I am physically for the most part. But I'm depressed. It's not a oh-I'm-just-sad-and-I'll-get-over-it-soon depression. It's pretty much all-consuming. I don't want to see people or talk to people, even my best friend. Any time I need to interact with people it's almost physically painful. When I have no choice but to go to Wal-Mart, I go after midnight so there will be fewer people there. I can't get interested in writing or any of the list of art projects I want to do. I can't concentrate on anything. I've never been much of channel surfer but now, even when I'm watching a favorite show, I surf just because I'm fidgety. And I can't sleep. No matter how tired I am, or how much I try to tire myself out, I just can't.

I've heard that many people suffer clinical depression after major surgery, especially if hormones are involved. I'm hoping that my doctor will take me seriously when I see him next month, if the situation doesn't resolve itself by then. If it doesn't, I hope I can wait 'til then.

I kind of knew that telling my mother about how I'm feeling would be a mistake but, I did it anyway. She said maybe the doctor will give me Xanax. Yes mother, give a depressed person an anti-anxiety drug. That'll help.

Something Else I Remembered

I went to the gynecologist for the first time when I was 25. I'm not sure if I remember this correctly but, I think back then if there was no history of cancer in your family it was recommended that the first visit be between the ages of 21 and 25. I know I should have gone sooner because I was having problems but, because my mother and aunt (who I spent a lot of time with) didn't seem to be taking me seriously and, pretty much, thought I was just being a baby, I didn't go. When I did, the doctor actually took me seriously when I told him how irregular and painful my periods were. He put me on birth control pills to regulate my periods (I was using The Sponge at the time.) and he said it should take care of the pain as well.

My sainted Italian Catholic mother was mortifed that I was on The Pill. She didn't know I was sexually active at the time and believed this was a green light for me to be a slut. Even after I tried explaining to her that it wasn't for birth control, it was to help make me feel better, she was still upset. She could not believe that my periods would be bad enough that I'd need a prescription to take care of it. (She's a nurse, by the way, which makes everything I post about her even more unbelievable to me. But, as I said earlier, I do love her.)

I only took The Pill for two years (until I got married) because it really wasn't helping very much. After that, it would be 3 more years before I went back to the gynecologist. He suggested I go back on The Pill. I said "No." I didn't go back. I didn't see another gynecologist until this one retired 10 years later. The new one didn't take me seriously either. He suggested I take Pamprin every 3 hours instead of every 4 hours for pain. He never addressed the heavy, irregular periods.

Five years later, I finally got a gynecologist who took me seriously. Thank God!

Remembering

In yesterday's post, I wrote about remembering that I'd always, it seemed, had bad periods. Last night, I started remembering more things about that. In high school, one time I was so weak and dizzy during my period that one of the nuns gave me vitamins in the hopes of making me feel better. I was also in the nurse's office more than once with period-related migraines. I also remember being bedridden on the first day of my period until I was well into my 20s. I couldn't understand how girls in high school and college could function during the first day of the period. I also remembered a friend of mine telling me, about a week or so prior to my surgery, that 10 years ago I said "If I'm not going to have children, why can't I just get a hysterectomy and be done with this?"

So, although the last five years were bad ... the last 8 months prior to surgery in particular ... I realize that I've always had problems and a hysterectomy was absolutely the right thing to do. I'm not sure if I could have dealt with the "wait and see" approach until menopause. Seriously, I think I may have killed myself. Yes, that's how bad it was on some days.

Thank God for a doctor who took me seriously! Finally!!

Testing

I see that Blogger has a new feature & I wanted to try it out. These are the flowers I got while I was in the hospital.

Good Things I've Noticed

Mostly, I post about problems here. I think that's because I need a place to vent. But, actually, I have noticed a few good things since the hysterectomy. One thing is that my complexion is so much better. It wasn't bad before (I don't even wear makeup.) but it's almost pre-adolescent clear now. Also, over the last couple of years I've had really dry feet, especially my heels, and (sorry if this is TMI) really hard, brittle toe nails. Both problems are now resolved. Yay!

These things, plus a post at Hyster Sisters have given me hope about a bigger problem ... a problem that has me really worried. For the last few years I've been losing my hair. Luckily, it's pretty curly and if it's styled right it's not very noticeable. But it's been so bad that when I wash it there's a lot it on my hands that I have to wipe on a towel or it would clog up the drain. I thought it was either my imagination, or wishful thinking, that had me believing it's gotten better since the surgery. But after reading the post at Hyster Sisters, I learned that hair loss is one of the effects of anemia, as well as major surgery, along with out-of-control hormones. So, maybe it's not my imagination after all. Maybe this is another of the unexpected but oh-so-welcome side effects of a hysterectomy.

Getting Back to Normal

For the last 8 weeks I've gained and lost the same 9 pounds. It's driving me insane because I'm sticking to my diet. OK. Every now & then I'll eat something I shouldn't but not enough to warrant a 9-pound weight gain in a week. The only thing that's keeping me somewhat sane is that I lose it just as fast as I gain it. I'm sure it's just fluid but still, it's annoying.

Anyway, I figured that if that trend stops (and I'm praying that it does!) and I stick to my diet and exercise regularly, by October I'll weigh what I weighed last October before I started feeling like crap. Then, I can say "It's been a long, crazy year but everything will be better now."

Nightmares

Since before the surgery I had been having weird dreams. Right after the surgery, they became more vivid and more nightmarish. I learned the reason is pain meds and anesthesia. I haven't had any weird dreams for a couple of weeks and I attributed that to the fact that all I've been taking is ibuprofen every now and then and Unisom for the insomnia. Well, I guess the combination was enough to bring the nightmares back. I had 2 yesterday.

In the first one, I dreamed that I had my period, along with really bad cramps. I managed to find 2 pads but was freaking out because I was in too much pain to go to the store to get more. I was afraid I'd go through those before I felt up to getting more. I was also telling myself that the operation didn't work and I was going to have to have another one. When I woke up, the area near my incision was really hurting, so I guess that explains the dream. I put ice on my belly & was ok.

The other one was more disturbing. At first there was this huge party at my house with all kinds of gourment food. Actually, all my favorite foods were there stuffing the refrigerator and freezer. All my relatives were there, too, but I didn't know why. When the party was over my mother told me that my uncle had killed himself. As I slumped to the floor, I asked her why. She said it was financial reasons, which doesn't make any sense at all. Then I asked her how he did it. She told me and then I saw this extremely vivid image of a man putting a revolver in his mouth and pulling the trigger.

At any rate, I think I'm going to stop taking the Unisom and see what happens. I'd rather have no sleep than sleep and have those nightmares.

Odd

I'm not sure if this is hysterectomy-related or not but, during the last couple of weeks I've noticed pain in the joints in my hands. Sometimes I even have a hard time opening a bottle of water. I have an appointment with my regular doctor a month from today. I think I'll live with it 'til then, unless it gets worse.

Nine Weeks

It's hard to believe that it's been nine weeks since my hysterectomy. When I compare how I feel now to how I felt at 8 weeks, it's miraculous. I really never thought I'd feel this good so soon. Granted, I still have a few problems but nothing I can't deal with and nothing at all compared to pre-surgery.

One problem I'm still having is insomnia. I bought an OTC sleep aid but it takes about 2 hours for it to kick in, then I still wake up once or twice and I'm so groggy the next day. I've decided to only take it once or twice a week because I don't like the side effects. I have an appointment with my regular doctor next month. If I'm still having problems sleeping by then, I'll mention it to him.

Another problem is swelly belly, and swelling in my ankles, too. It's really only bad on days I do too much or if I don't lie down for an hour twice a day. But geez, I get so sick of being in bed. Ice on the swelly belly feels really good, though.

I'm also having a major problem with my weight. I keeping gaining and losing the same 10 pounds. It's frustrating.

All in all, though, I feel good. If I had to make the choice all over again, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

My Best Friend

Anyone who has read my other blog knows that my best friend is a guy. I thought this would be a problem because I wouldn't be able to talk to him about a lot of things related to the hysterectomy. I was wrong. Granted, I didn't feel the need to go into a lot of the gory and disgusting details, but I did tell him how I was feeling pre-surgery and he was very supportive.

He lives several hundred miles away (a six-hour drive) so we only see each other in person a few times a year. One of his scheduled visits (to see his parents, not just me) was May 26, two weeks after the surgery. We planned on going out to dinner if I felt up to it. I was bound and determined to feel up to it because there's no way I wanted to miss out on spending time with him. However, when the day arrived, I still felt pretty bad. Well, not bad really. Just too tired to go out to dinner. Even with him. *sigh* It was so hard for me to say I couldn't go because I knew he'd be disappointed. And I really, really wanted to go. But I didn't. And, yes, he was disappointed but he said "The most important thing is that you start feeling better." I was so grateful that he said that.

Well, he was here again over the weekend and we did get to go out. Only for a couple of beers this time, but still, we got to spend time together. He asked all the right questions and said all the right things (which he has in e-mails and phone calls, too) and then we got on with the visit.

I guess that's one of the reasons you choose the best friends you do. He knew that I needed to talk about it and get it out of my system before we could talk about anything else. I wish people other than The Best Friend understood that. I know it's been almost nine weeks but I'm still pretty much obsessed with how I feel and how I'm recovering. So, all anyone has to do to get me to be "normal" is feed my obsession first. Could it really be that difficult to understand?

Just for the heck of it ....

... I thought I'd do some more research on fibroids and painful periods and all that fun (ahem) stuff I went through for so long. Holy crap! I didn't realize how bad off I really was ... and for a long time, too!

Here's what I found at OBGYN.net:

Most women lose about 6 teaspoons of blood each month.
Are you f'ing kidding me?!?! 6 teaspoons a month?! I was losing 6 teaspoons a minute!

Very heavy bleeding, saturating a pad or tampon every hour or two for more than a few hours, is also abnormal.
How 'bout saturating a pad and a tampon every hour for more than a few hours?

Dysmenorrhea refers to the pain accompanying a period. Most menstruating women have uterine contractions ... that each last for less than thirty seconds and occur about every 3 to 5 minutes...women who experience severe dysmenorrhea have cramps that last up to 90 seconds with only a few seconds of rest in between.
I would have killed to have cramps that lasted only 90 seconds or even to have a few seconds of rest in between. Cramps that lasted less than 30 seconds with 3 to 5 minutes rest in between would have been heaven.

I have mixed feelings about all of this. I'm glad I got it all taken care of course. However, I'm a little pissed at my former GYN (God rest his soul anyway) for not taking me seriously five years ago. Then again, it's over now and I'll never have to go through any of that crap again, so why waste energy being pissed?

Sometimes I'm dumb

Yesterday I was watching television with a friend and an ad for "War of the Worlds" came on. I asked if he had any desire to see that. He said he was just going to ask me if I wanted to go to the drive-in to see it. I did. Well, during the day I didn't get any rest. I didn't do a lot but I didn't lie down with a cold pack on my belly either. Then, the ride to the drive-in was kind of bumpy, which bothered me. Then, I sat for nearly four hours (two movies). I did get up once to stretch my legs and relieve some discomfort. I went to the restroom once, too, and it was nasty. I had to go again but didn't want to go back in there, so I just held it. Big mistake! By the time we got to the restaurant we went to after the movies, I had held it so long it took almost a minute for my bladder to get moving. Then I had to go again just a few minutes later when it really started working. By the time I got home my abdomen was so swollen it looked as if I swallowed a watermelon. My ankles were swollen, too.

The only good thing was that I was so worn out that I slept for 8 straight hours without taking a sleeping pill. When I woke up, I got my cold pack, went back to bed and slept for another 2 hours.

Who would have thought just going to a drive-in without resting first would wear me out that much? I guess I'm not as far along in my recovery as I thought I was. But I still feel a heck of a lot better than I did pre-op!

Independence Day

Those words have a new, and somewhat selfish, meaning for me this year. I'm free of the pain, free of the bleeding for 3 weeks out of the month, free of fear of knowing something is wrong but not knowing exactly what it is, and so much more.

And, one of the Hyster Sisters has declared July "Get Rid of Your Panties Month." I was waiting for the right time to do it because I can't stand seeing the reminders of all the problems. I don't know how many pairs of panties I bought in the last few years because I didn't have any "good" ones because my period would show up unannounced or would be so heavy that flooding was inevitable. Right now I have about 40 pairs, and only one good one and that's because I bought them 2 weeks before the surgery and refused to wear them until after the hysterectomy. Anyway, during the discussion at Hyster Sisters, people were talking about getting rid of panties altogether and "going commando." Honestly, I really never thought about that as an alternative. (I only went commando once in recent years because I didn't want panty lines showing when I wore a new pair of nice-looking pants, but I was so nervous about my period showing up unexepectedly that I didn't enjoy it. OK. At first I did, until I started thinking too much.) So, this morning after my shower I said "I'm doing it. I'm going commando." Talk about independence day! It feels great!

So, here's to independence in all its various forms!

Leg Heaviness

This is just another reason I love Hyster Sisters. For the past week or so I've had the worst feeling of heaviness in my legs, especially when going up stairs. My legs feel as if they weigh 100 pounds each and it feels as if I can barely make it up the last 2 stairs when I have to go up to the bathroom or my bedroom. I was kind of worried about that until I read on the Hyster Sisters message boards that it's quite common and normal. Just another one of "those things."

Test Drives

Yeah, I started driving my car at two weeks out but there's a more important test drive I took a week later. I found out that, it seems, the majority of Hyster Sisters took the same test drive at 3 weeks out. (That's where I got the term, too.)

I guess we were all worried that after the surgery, all the parts wouldn't be working right or they would hurt, or, heaven forbid, they wouldn't work at all. I'm happy to report that, although I was scared to try it, my first "test drive" was very successful and everything works just fine. Subsequent test drives have been getting better and better. Now I'm anxious to find someone ready to take me on a real, shall we say, road test. I'm more than ready for that now, especially since I don't have to worry about my stupid period getting in the way.

Bladder Problems

OK. I don't know if "problems" is exactly the right word. Maybe annoyances would be more accurate. Problems would be before the hysterectomy when my uterus was pressing on my bladder and I had to pee up to 37 times in 24 hours. Now what happens is that if I don't pee when I have to, I have some pain until I go. But this is the funny part. When I do go, it just flows and flows and flows. I had to laugh when I thought maybe that wasn't normal. I laughed at myself when I realized "this" is normal. What wasn't normal was the tiny tinkles every half hour to 45 minutes.