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I'm hoping that by writing this I'll feel better. Maybe by writing it, I'll realize how stupid it would be if I really did it. But, as I'm typing, I can think of more reasons to do it than not to do it. I'm hoping that this feeling will pass soon and I'll get onto happier thoughts. But, as I was thinking about going to the doctor and trying to explain why I think I need some kind of anti-depressant, I was thinking "What if I really want to do it and the drug keeps me from doing it?" Despite what I've written earlier about not being suicidal that, my friends, is a suicidal thought. Please God, and all the angels and saints, if I'm not meant to "do it," let me hang on for 16 more days until I see the doctor because right now all I can think about is the easiest way to do it.