I Worry About the Strangest Things

I've lost 11 pounds in 10 days. That means I have 26 to go before I get to my pre-anemia (and too tired to exercise) weight. That's the good part because during the six weeks prior to my doctor's appointment I couldn't lose weight no matter what I did. But, as I'm sure anyone knows, losing 11 pounds in 10 days usually isn't a good thing.

The reason I lost the weight is that my doctor gave me Effexor to try for two weeks. One of the side effects is loss of appetite. All I've eaten for the last 10 days, each day, is a low-carb cookie, a low-carb mini muffin and a salad. And I have to force myself to eat that.

Now, here's where the worrying comes in. I guess I'm kind of a control freak or something because I think and re-think every possible scenario to every upcoming situation. (That could have something to do with social anxiety disorder, too, I guess.) I do this so I'll know how to react in any given situation. I have my next doctor's appointment on Wednesday. I don't know if he'll say I've lost too much weight and change the drug, which has helped me in every other way, or if he'll say it's good that I lost the weight. The third possibility is that he'll keep everything the way it is and schedule another appointment in a month or so to see how I'm doing. That's what I'm hoping.

I Had to Laugh

I was cleaning out a purse I haven't used since April. Aside from the pens, notebooks, loose change and empty cigarette pack (*shrug), here's what I found: 1 full box of tampons; 3 loose tampons; 2 panty liners; 1 full-size pad; 1 half-full bottle of Excedrin; 1 half-full bottle of Advil; 1 bottle of Pamprin with 4 tablets in it; 1 pair of clean underwear.

Must be my moods are getting better because I couldn't help but laugh. Man, has my life ever changed in just a few short months. I can't believe I carried all that stuff around and thought it was normal. Well, for a few years I thought it was normal. Then, I came to my senses.

Good Stuff

We went to the fair on Thursday and were gone for 15 hours (12 at the fair; 3 driving). This is the first time in recent memory that all I had to take with me was money. No pads. No tampons. No pain medication. No change of underwear, just in case. Nothing! I didn't have to worry about standing in line for the restroom, or where the nearest restroom was. And it felt great!

The Effexor is working. I was jittery for the first two days but my doctor warned me that I might be so it didn't really bother me. But my moods are better, more even. And I actually care about doing things now. I have no more hot flashes and, I'm not sure if this is an effect of the drug but I'm not complaining, I've been sleeping through the night.

I'm not sure if this is an effect of the drug either, or if it just ran its course but, the joints in my hands aren't as sore. I can actually open water bottles now with no problem.

I really think I'm getting somewhere now.

Doctor Visit

In the previous post I mentioned "sudden tears" as one of my symptoms. Well, let me tell ya ... It's a very useful symptom to have when you're talking to your doctor and explaining how you're feeling, especially when one of those feelings is depression.

He gave me a two-week sample of Effexor. I have another appointment in two weeks to see how I'm doing. He also ordered blood tests to check my hormone levels.

It's such a relief to have a doctor listen to me and take me seriously.

This Wasn't Supposed to Happen

Because I kept my ovaries, I wasn't supposed to go through menopause this early. But, I just got my 3-month checkpoint e-mail from Hyster Sisters and, sure enough, that's what's going on. Here's a list of the most common symptoms. I've put in bold the symptoms I have. Bold and italicized means they're a huge problem.

Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling
Irregular heart beat
Irritability
Mood swings, sudden tears
Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)
Loss of libido
Dry vagina
Pain during sex
Crashing fatigue
Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom
Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
Disturbing memory lapses
Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence
Itchy, crawly skin
Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons
Increased tension in muscles
Breast tenderness
Headache change: increase or decrease
Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
Sudden bouts of bloat
Depression
Worsening of existing conditions
Increase in allergies
Weight gain
Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
Changes in body odor
Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head
Tingling in the extremities
Gum problems, increased bleeding
Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor
Osteoporosis
Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier
Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, 'whooshing,' buzzing etc.

You better believe I'm taking this list to the doctor with me on Tuesday.

Coping & Stuff

My mom hasn't been doing very well lately. Yesterday she had a nasty nose-bleed incident. We're not talking a few drops of blood on a tissue. Because she's on two kinds of blood thinners, her nose bleeds gush all over the place ... her clothes, the bathroom sink, the floor. It's really scary! She had just been to the ear/nose/throat doctor on Monday because her nose bleeds have been more frequent. He gave her a silver nitrate treatment, then told her if she got another nose bleed to wait half an hour before she called a doctor or went to the ER. So, yesterday she did everything she was supposed to ... sit straight up, pinch the nostrils (which is hard for her because she's on oxygen) and put ice on it. An hour later, she got the color back in her face and everything was fine.

I'm in no way ready, physically or emotionally, to deal with all of this right now. The nose bleed was just the least of her latest problems. As I said, I'm having trouble coping. But I do. I have no choice.

She was planning on doing laundry yesterday. So was I. Since she couldn't, I ended up having to do it for both of us. Our washing machine is in the basement. Our bedrooms and bathroom (where the dirty clothes are) are on the second floor. That means going up and down lots and lots of stairs. I posted about leg heaviness a few weeks ago. It hasn't gotten any better. By 9 p.m., I'm pretty much upstairs for the rest of the night because my legs just won't let me climb the stairs. Knowing this, I should have done laundry earlier in the day. But I didn't start it 'til around 7 p.m. By 11 p.m. I was so tired I thought I'd sleep for a couple of days. But, insomnia being what it was, I eneded up watching 4 episodes of "Roseanne." Then, at 2 a.m., I remembered I still had a load of laundry in the washing machine. If it was mine, I would have left it 'til morning. But it was my mom's, so I went down to the basement to take care of it. As I was going back upstairs to my bedroom, I had four steps to go when my left leg wouldn't move. I could not lift it onto the next step. I had to sit down for about 5 mintues until my leg would move again. Even when it did and I made it up those last few steps, I literally had to drag the leg as I made my way down the hall to my bedroom.

I just have to keep reminding myself this will all end soon.

When Will it End?

I ended up taking a Lortab last night after all. The pain never went away and ibuprofen just wasn't cuttin' it. I did wait until around 11 p.m. to take the Lortab, though, because it makes me loopy and sleepy. It's been so long since I've taken one that I forgot another lovely side effect. It makes me itchy. So, although I was loopy and sleepy, I didn't get to sleep until sometime after 2:30 a.m. (I know that because I was watching "School Ties" and I remember the last scene I saw.) Before I fell asleep I was getting frustrated, not just with the itching, but with the fact that even Lortab didn't help with the insomnia. OK. I guess it did help a little bit. I haven't been getting to sleep until around 4 a.m. and then I wake up at around 6:30 or 7. But this morning I woke up at 6:30, just to go to the bathroom, then went back to sleep until about 9:30. You'd think after getting some all-too-elusive sleep, I'd feel refreshed for a change. Nope. I have a Lortab hangover.

I know it'll get better soon. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Still Taking the Good with the Bad

I woke up this morning with a terrible pain in my right side. It was so bad, in fact, that I considered taking a Lortab, which I haven't done since Week 4. (This is Week 12, for anyone who's counting.) At first, I thought it hurt so much because I wore jeans all day yesterday and, although they're not tight, they are restricting, and that's not good. Also, the ice was getting annoying, so I didn't use it as much as I should have last night. But, about an hour after I woke up I realized what the problem was. I still check the toilet paper after I go. Old habits die hard, ya know? When I checked, I noticed a clump of stitches. Until then, I had totally forgotten that I had hundreds of internal stitches and that it can take as long as a year for some of them to disolve. Most of the time, you don't even notice them because they do what they're supposed to do ... disolve. But, sometimes, like today, you do. Anyway, that's what the pain was.

But, before I realized that's what was causing the pain, I decided not to wear jeans today just to be on the safe side. Because I haven't really felt like doing laundry lately, I only had one dress to wear. Although I've been telling myself that my weight gain is fluid, not fat, I was afraid to put the dress on and see for sure. But, guess what? It fits! So, although I have 2 pounds to go to get to my pre-surgery weight, and another 25 to go to get to my pre-rapidly growing fibroids weight, I know some of it is fluid and that makes me feel so much better. I am being realistic, though. I know it's not 27 pounds worth of fluid. If I believed that, it would be kind of like believing "My jeans shrunk in the dryer" when I started gaining weight.

Better

I'm feeling somewhat better today, although I'm still in a little bit of a funk. What really got me down is this: I was praying for some kind of resolution to my financial situation so I don't have to dip into my savings account before the end of the month when my royalty check gets here. In Saturday's mail, I got a hospital bill that insurance isn't covering. It's not a huge bill but, after I pay it, half the money I budgeted for this month will be gone.

So, I guess all I can do is pay it and keep praying.