Still OK

I have so much to write but I'm not quite up to it yet, although I have written a lot (a lot!) on paper. One thing I do have to say, though, is Hyster Sisters rocks! If anyone is coming here for hysterectomy info, I highly recommend that site.

I'm home!

Actually, I got home Sunday afternoon and I'm feeling pretty darn good. I'll write more later.

The Truth

One of the reasons I started this blog is that I was hoping to help other women going through the same thing. There are so many things about my condition that I didn't know anything about. I didn't even realize my symptoms were actually symptoms of fibroids. How could I have possibly known it could all lead to a hysterectomy?

But I haven't been as honest as I was hoping to be, especially concerning one aspect of all of this. I am scared to death! I usually try to hide my fears by using humor. Granted, I'm no Ellen DeGeneres, but I try. Maybe, though, it's time to stop trying and just be honest about how scared I am.

The main thing is, I'm afraid of something going wrong during the surgery. What if I end up being a vegetable or something? I think I've made it quite clear to people that if I can't write there's no point for me to be alive. But, wow, could that really happen? Could something really go that wrong? I can't help but think about it. I don't want to live as a vegetable but I'm nowhere near ready to die. Spiritually, I am. I think, for the most part, I've tried to live a life that will get me to heaven. But I have too much stuff to do on earth before I go to heaven. So, if anyone's going to pray for me, could ya pray for Dr. Ryskin and his team, too? I think they'll need it more than I will. I'll just be lying there, after all.

The rest of the stuff I'm scared about seems pretty minor compared to the thought of death. Pain. I hate pain. I've read on Hyster Sisters that it's really not that bad, especially with pain meds. But still. When I go to the dentist I need enough Novocaine that it doesn't wear off for 24 hours. What's an incision going to feel like?

I also have this strange fear that this one operation, albeit this one major operation, won't cure me. What if I'm doing all of this, getting my uterus removed, leaving me permanently unable to bear children, and it's not going to make me feel better. All indications say I will feel better but it's hard for me to believe that all of this is going to be taken care of and six months from now I'll feel good.

I'm just scared of everything. Please pray for me, ok? And let's hope that in a couple of weeks I'll be here telling y'all how well everything went.

Top Ten Reason to Have a Hysterectomy

I've seen this a couple of other places, so here's my list:

10.I won't find the "just in case" pads and tampons hidden all over the place.

9.I can throw the "that time of the month" sheets away.

8.I won't have to have 2 sets of underwear, the good ones and the other ones.

7.I'll feel rested after 8 hours of sleep instead of feeling exhausted after 12.

6.I can stop being a contortionist in order to look in restroom mirrors to make sure I didn't leak.

5.Knowing where the restroom is when I walk into a store, restaurant or anyplace else, will not be a top priority.

4.I won't have a bloody hand everytime I wipe.

3.Sex will be much easier to plan. (Not that I'm gettin' much, but that could change.)

2.With all the money I'll be saving on feminine hygiene products and Pamprin, I can go on a nice vacation on a tropical island. Hell, I could probably buy a tropical island.

And the Number One Reason to Have a Hysterectomy:

1.I won't have to wear my "I'm not fat, I have fibroids" t-shirt anymore.*

*I really don't have one of those t-shirts, but I wanted one.

A Teensy Bit of Leftover Denial

I woke up this morning, after 4 whole hours of sleep (yay!) with a clean pad. I couldn't believe it! Even after a shower & getting dressed, there was nothing. I thought maybe it was over, then I laughed at myself and said "Anne, when's the last time you had a period that lasted only 4 days? Maybe, 1983?" Sure enough, it's back.

But that's nothing compared to Saturday. First, though, on Friday and most of Saturday, it wasn't all that bad. I thought maybe I was overreacting and a hysterectomy wasn't necessary after all. Then, the cramps hit. Bad! I was literally crying. And I can't take anything stronger than Tylenol, which doesn't work, because of the surgery. Then, I was soaking through overnight pads in an hour ... for six hours. Yeah, I said to myself, you need a hysterectomy.

Last one!

It's my last period EV-VER! For real this time! If not, my doctor will have screwed up, big time, and I'm quite confident he's not going to do that.

If I didn't have such bad cramps & nausea & backache & dizziness & bleeding, I'd be thrilled. Actually, remembering that I'll never have to go through this again helps, too. I wish the Tylenol would work as well. Better yet, I wish there was something I could take besides Tylenol because that stuff never works for me.

OK. No more whining about it because ... I never have to deal with it again!!!

Obsessed

I'm so obsessed with the surgery that I really don't care about anything else. I don't care about the spring cleaning that's going on or, geez, any of the day-to-day stuff my mom has been talking about. Of course now I feel guilty about that because just a little while ago she said "I wish I could give a hug big enough so everything would go away."