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This extreme fatigue thing from the anemia is really getting to me. I've been tired from being sick before but, this is unreal. I slept from 4 p.m. Monday to 3 p.m. Tuesday, only waking up to go to the bathroom and to call in sick to work. Then, I slept from about 5 p.m. to 6:30 p.m., went to bed at 11 p.m. and woke up at 8 a.m. (Well, I did wake up to go to the bathroom 4 times.) Now, I could use another nap. Unreal.

Dichotomy

I don't want to be babied, but I do want people to understand I'm not feeling well and I can't do everything I could do six months ago. I'll be fine six months from now (I hope!) but, right now I'm sick dammit. I don't want people treating my as if I'm dying, which I most certainly am not, but I'd like a little bit of sympathy, ya know?

Maybe I really don't know what I want but, I do know I'm not getting what I need.

Crisis!

I may have to reschedule the surgery. Why?

Surgery date: May 12
Expected hospital release date: May 15
Expected date to be out of the house: May 29
Release date of new Star Wars movie: May 19

I see a major problem there, unless the movie doesn't get here right away or, if it does, if it's held over.

Oh, the dilemna!

Actually, rescheduling the surgery wouldn't be such a good idea. I'd probably have to get up to go to the restroom at least 3 times, my back would be killing me and, just my luck, I'd get my period in the middle of it.

OK. Crisis resolved. Have the surgery, then go see the movie in Buffalo ASAP. I'm sure it'll be held over there for awhile.

One more thing, non-Star Wars related. I thought my last period would be the last one. Nope. And I'll probably get another one, too. Kinda rubs salt in the wound, ya know?

Spongeworthy

It figures. The Today Sponge is back on the market just when I don't need it anymore.

Well, I'm still going to use the Spongeworthy Scale to decide who to sleep with.

We have a date ... and no more money woes

I'm scheduled for May 12 for a TAH. He did an exam to see if he could do it vaginally but, as soon as I saw the look on his face, I said "No chance?" His answer: "No chance at all."

So, I'm looking at three days in the hospital, in addition to the surgery day. He said it's possible I could be out in two days though, depending on how I feel. I'm gonna stay positive and say it'll be two.

There's good news on the financial front. If all goes well with the aid they're trying to get for me, I should only have to pay for 80 percent of it. Thank God! (And St. Theresa and John Paul the Great, to whom I have been praying.)

So, 20 days and counting. Eek! No. No eek. I'm trying really hard not to be scared.

Feeling better

Yesterday I was talking to a woman who had a hysterectomy last year. She said "Until you start feeling better, you won't realize how bad you feel right now." She said she'd recommend the surgery to anyone.

Although I'm scared to death of the surgery, and not looking forward to a long recuperation period, I'm totally looking forward to feeling at least as good as I did last summer.

Duh!

Sure, I go to bed around 11 p.m. and wake up around 7 or 8 but ... and I repeat -- Duh! ... I'm not asleep the whole time. I'm up and down all night going to the bathroom. No wonder I don't feel rested. Again, duh!

Support Systems

So far, all the people I've told about this have been extraordinarily supportive. I guess I didn't realize how many friends I have and how many people really do care about me. It's nice thing to know.

There's been a lot ... and I mean a lot ... of illness, disease and medical stuff at work, both with my co-workers and their families. Most of us have been very supportive of each other. Even the people who aren't offering support to others are getting it from the rest of us. Until now, I only fit into the mix because of my mother. But still, I got lots of offers of help. In a way, I kind of feel guilty about this. Being part-time, I'm supposed to fill in for vacations and such. But now vacations are coming up and I won't be available until mid-June, at the very earliest. I feel as if I'm letting everyone down. Obviously, though, I'm the only one who feels that way because most people have been great.

My sister has been wonderful, too. She's trying to figure out a way to be here the day I get out of the hospital. (She lives 3 hours away.) Her main problem is what to do with her 3-year-old and 4-year-old. Knowing my sister, though, she'll figure it out. I hope so, anyway. For some odd reason, I never thought I'd need my little sister like this.

And, I found an awesome site on the 'net. I've looked through a lot of it but still have more exploring to do. I'm absolutely certain I'm going to need them a lot very soon. I'm very grateful that they're there.

When the glass is more than half full

I usually try to look at the glass as half full rather than half empty. That's why I'm trying to look past the upcoming surgery and look toward how good I'm going to feel after I recover. Yeah, I've been whining a lot but, for the most part, I'm OK with all of this. If it's going to make me feel better, yeah, I'm OK with this.

But for now, as I've mentioned ad nauseum, I feel like crap and I'm feeling worse everyday. When I said this to my Mom yesterday, she came up with a good analogy. Maybe it's something she learned in nursing school. Anyway, she said to think of my body as a glass and the symptoms as water. As the glass is slowly being filled, there's no problem. When the water gets closer to the top, you realize you may have a problem. But once you get to the top of the glass and the water is still coming, you definitely have a problem.

Makes sense to me.

Whining & Waiting Too Long

I'm afraid of turning this into Anne's Whine Blog. I want to look back on this a year from now and remember how awful I felt and how far I've come. I also want other women to know they're not alone in how they're feeling. But I'm finding that it's hard not to cross the line from relaying how I feel to downright whining. Why? I just feel like crap.

I know one of the reasons I feel as bad as I do (and I'm feeling worse by the minute, it seems) is that I waited so long to get this taken care of. Last summer I felt better than I'd ever felt in my life. I was walking 5 miles almost everyday. Now, I have a hard time walking the half a block from my house to the mini mart and back. Last summer I practically jumped out of bed after 6 or 7 hours of sleep. Now, I sleep 9 or 10 hours a night, and take at least one nap during the day, and I'm still exhausted. I could sleep even more than I have been if I didn't have so much to do. Since about October of 2003 I very rarely took any kind of medication. Before that, it was mostly for problems with my teeth. For the last month or so, I've been taking Excedrin Migraine and ibuprofen everyday.

Why didn't I see that something was wrong with me? A couple of days ago I posted here that after losing so much weight I knew my body and I knew when something was wrong. I guess I knew something was wrong this time, but I gave myself the wrong diagnosis. I thought it was a combination of two things. Over the holidays I ate way too many carbs. I thought once I got back on Atkins, and stuck to it like I'd done before, I'd be fine. I also thought, because I'm 44, I was going through perimenopause and it was something I'd just have to deal with.

It wasn't until, after sticking to my diet religiously for a month, I couldn't zip up my "skinny jeans" anymore that I knew I had to go to the doctor. I wish I'd known months ago that symptoms of fibroid tumors are similar to those of perimenopause.

The moral of the story is: When your general practioner tells you to go to your gynecologist, especially if you haven't been in a couple of years, go to your gynecologist.

My sister

I kinda feel bad for my sister. She didn't tell me very often but, every now and then, she'd mention something about her three boys having cousins. They have lots of cousins on her husband's side of the family but none on hers.

Rationalizing

I loved my dog as if she was my baby. In the 13 years I had her, and the five years since I had to put her to sleep, she taught me a lot of things about motherhood. Primarily, I wouldn't have been a good one.

As doggie mommies go, I guess I was sufficient. I took care of her when she was sick. I made sure she was clean and fed and got enough exercise. I played with her a lot.

But I got frustrated a lot, too. I'm not proud of this. Actually, I feel a little guilty even now. See, sometimes I'd ignore her if I didn't feel like dealing with her. During those times, one of us would usually end up being locked in room so I didn't have to deal with her. Could I do that with a child? Would I have done that with a child? I don't know.

Since we put her to sleep 5 years ago I thought about getting another dog but there are quite a few reasons I didn't. There's no way I wanted to housebreak another dog. I didn't want to go through the hassle of learning what food she likes and doesn't like. I didnt' want to find out what her favorite toys are. I'd gotten used to coming and going as I pleased without having to worry about what to do with the dog, and if she'd be OK 'til I got back. I didn't want to give up any "me" time.

So, for the rest of my life I'll probably wonder if I would have been a good mother but, thanks to my dog, I think I already know the answer. Some people are meant to be mothers. Some people aren't.

Besides, even if procreation was still an option for me, the only guys I'm interested in procreating with are my age and older and already have kids. I'm not so sure they'd want to be starting over (especially the one who's married to someone else). And, even if I had a kid now, I'd be 50 when he/she started kindergarten. I'm not so sure I could keep up with the kid, or the other moms.

Annoyances

One of the worst symptoms of all of this is the frequent urination. A few minutes ago I almost literally cried "Please, I don't want to pee again!" I had just gone to the bathroom 20 minutes before that, and hadn't had anything at all to drink since then. I'm tellin' ya, it's exhausting. Up and down and up down just to go to the bathroom. I hate to go anywhere because I'm not sure when I'll have to go and if there will be a restroom available.

The headaches I can deal with, as long as I take Excedrin as soon as I feel one coming on, and it kicks in quickly. The backaches are tolerable, as long as I take ibuprofen to dull the pain. Now that my period is over (and, I'm still happy that it was the last one! I hope.) I don't have to deal with that and all it entails, besides the pain. But the seemingly constant trips to the bathroom are really getting on my nerves.

Random thoughts

This is probably my last period. Ya know what? I'm not one bit upset about that. I'm more upset about not being able to go skydiving, which I was going to do for the newspaper's special summer section.

Until the surgery, I want to wear a T-shirt that says "I'm not fat. I have fibroids."

I'll never again have to worry about what kind of birth control to use and, more important, did it work.

When people find out I'm in the hopsital I can say "See? I told you I didn't feel well."

I'm wondering if not being able to bear children will be more attractive to guys in the age group I'd like to date.

I hope I don't have a reaction to the anesthetic (sp?) or any of the drugs.

I hope they give me good pain medication ... and lots of it.

How long will I have to be away from my computer? I wish I had a laptop.

The two women I've talked to about this, who have had hysterectomies told me the recovery process took a fairly long time but, six months later, they felt better than they've ever felt in their lives. I hope the same holds true for me.

A woman at work is 3 months pregnant. Despite my desire not to have children, that's going to be hard for me.

There's a commercial for some menopause drug. Part of it says "If you have a uterus ..." Yeah. Rub it in.

If I even feel like eating in the hospital, will they have low-carb-friendly stuff?

And, yeah, I'm still thinking about the cost. But what are they going to do? Not treat me?

Hearing the h-word

After asking if I had any thoughts about having children, my GYN told me the best option was a hysterectomy. That shocked me. I'm still in a minor state of shock but, I suppose that's normal. It's only been 23 hours since he told me. I'm sure it really hasn't even sunk in yet.

Right now, the thing I'm most worried about is how I'm going to pay for it. I don't have insurance. That's what I get for quitting my full-time job to follow my dream, I guess.

I've also been thinking about not being able to have children. In my adult life, I never really wanted them. I don't have that maternal instinct. I've always told myself that it was better not to have them then to have them and realize I'm not a good mother.

I guess I'll never find out what kind of mother I would have been.

The ultrasound

This was just me being stupid, I guess. I've had a couple of ultrasounds before so I thought I knew what to expect. I don't know why I didn't think it would be internal. I was just glad I took the "gynecologist shower" and did the "gynecologist shave," if you know what I mean. :)

It didn't hurt. It wasn't even uncomfortable, really, although my GYN did apologize for the discomfort. He said he was just looking for my ovaries but said the fact that he was having trouble finding them was good. It meant they weren't enlarged.

After the procedure, he told me what I'd already learned from my Internet research. I had fibroids. I didn't think I'd have five, though. And I didn't think they'd be the size of golf balls. But at least I knew my protruding abdomen had nothing to do with not sticking to my diet.

The next two weeks

The earliest I could be scheduled for an ultrasound was two weeks from the date I heard the words "enlarged uterus." I spent those two weeks doing a lot of research. I was relieved to find that, according to my symptoms, I probably had fibroid tumors. I was further relieved to learn that fibroids don't turn into malignant tumors.

I was especially interested in reading about the treatment options. I knew wasn't going to go for the "do nothing" approach and wait for menopause. I'm only 44. There's no way I could go through this for however many years I'd have to wait for menopause. The other options ranged from a simple in-office procedure to a hysterectomy. I thought I'd probably have an option somewhere in between, based on the way I felt. I was thinking same-day surgery, maybe.

But the symptoms got worse over the next two weeks. I was taking ibuprofen, Pamprin, Excedrin migraine. All of that just seemed to dull all the various kinds of pain I was having. It never really went away.

I even had to buy new skirts to fit over my abdomen because, now that the weather was nicer, I couldn't cover it up with long bulky sweaters.

I also had another period, 18 days after the last one. The bleeding was very heavy. The cramps had me incapicitated for an entire day and part of another.

I kept counting down the days until the ultrasound. At least then I'd have an idea of when all of this was going to end.

The Gynecologst Visit

My gynecologist unexpectedly died in early February. He was in his early 40s. Although I'd only been to him a couple of times I was just as devastated as his other patients were. So, not only was I going to the GYN because something was wrong, I was going to a new gynecolgist I didn't even know. I was apprehensive, to say the least.

I told Molly the nurse all my period-related symptoms. She told me to make sure I told the doctor. I did. He said "Well, we'll try and find out what's causing that." I jokingly asked "Could it possibly be because I'm 44?" He and Molly both laughed. He said it's possible but he didn't want to say anything yet. I told him I was perfectly aware of the fact that I'm 44. We joked a little more about being 44 (he is, too) and how getting older sucks. He did the PAP smear. No problem. I couldn't tell, though, if the exam was taking longer than usual because I hate it so much and it was just my imagination, or if it really was taking longer. I later realized it wasn't my imagination. When he was finished with the internal, he pressed down on my abdomen. I could tell by the look on his face we weren't going to be joking anymore.

He told me I had an enlarged uterus and I needed to have an ultrasound. He told me we'd talk about everything after that.

Knowing something is wrong

I spent the last two years losing more than 100 pounds. Aside from the obvious, one of the advantages of losing weight and getting healthy is the fact that you learn about your body. You know when there's something wrong. You know if you don't feel quite right it can't be attributed to the fact that you're 100 pounds overweight.

Although I knew something was wrong, I was still attributing it to perimenopause. I was hoping the gynecologist would be able to give me something to make me feel better.

Pre-diagnosis

Last May I went to see my general practiioner for a check-up. I felt fine but, because I'm doing Atkins, I wanted to get everything checked out to make sure I was fine, which is what the Atkins folks tell you you're supposed to do. But the GP also asked me when my last gynecologist visit was. Because I was 43 at the time and my mother has had breast cancer, I was hesitant to admit that I hadn't been to the GYN in 3 years. My GP told me that he would schedule my mammogram but I had to make a GYN appointment because I was overdue for a PAP smear. He ordered some blood tests, too, then scheduled my next visit with him for August. Blood tests were fine. Mammogram was fine. I still hadn't made the GYN appointment. My GP asked if I'd been having any problems with my periods. I told him they were getting kind of irregular, I was having some clotting and the cramps and backaches were getting kind of bad. He told me I should really make an appointment with my GYN.

In early October I had one of the worst periods I'd ever had since I started having them when I was 12. The cramps were almost unbearable. My flow was extremely heavy. I was using "super" tampons and "overnight" pads at the same time and still have to change them at least every 2 hours. But I still didn't make the GYN appointment. I assumed it was all related to perimenopause and I was just going to have to live with it. Two weeks after that 10-day nightmare ennded, it started all over again. Still, I was thinking perimenopause.

After that, I was pretty much OK for a while. The cramps were still pretty bad and I was still seeing some clotting but, for the most part, it wasn't much of a problem. Then February rolled around and I started feeling like crap. My back and thighs hurt so much that I could even take my daily walk and any other kind of exercise was hell. And I like exercise. I had gained a little bit of weight, so I was sticking to my diet very strictly. Still, I went up a jeans size. Weird thing was, the jeans and my other pants fit fine everyplace but my stomach. I found myself waking up five or six times during the night to go to the bathroom. I assumed it was because I was drinking too much water to help my dieting. My period was pretty bad, too. So, was the one I got two weeks later, and two weeks after that.

I knew something was wrong. I called the gynecologist.