Hyster Blog :: Uterus-free since May 2005

2007-05-15T20:28:00.000-04:00

Happy Hysterversary to Me!!!

OK. I'm a little late but ... TWO YEARS!! And I've never felt better. Sometimes I can't even remember what it felt like to have a period and, believe me, that's a good feeling.

Nine Months!

2006-02-19T14:01:00.000-05:00

Plus 6 days. I can't believe it's been 3 months since I posted here. The reason is that there's really nothing new to report. I feel so good I can't believe it. I have more energy than I thought was possible a year ago. Actually, a year ago is when I started feel so bad that I knew I was going to have to go to the doctor whether I wanted to or not. It doesn't seem as if it was a year ago. It seems like a lifetime ago! Who would have thought getting rid of a uterus and a cervix would change my life ... for the better?

So, now that I'm very close to my one year hyster-versay (as the Hyster Sisters say), I can tell you this: Now, more than ever, I'm glad I had it done. It's worth it. It really is.

Six Months!

2005-11-12T09:51:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it! I really can't. In fact, I hardly ever think about it anymore. The only times I do are when I get swelly belly. Because of my job, I'm on my feet a lot, which causes a lot of swelling everywhere. But, know what? It's not really all that bad. All things considered, I feel wonderful! I didn't really believe people who told me how much better I would feel at six months. But, I'm tellin' ya, it's amazing! Seven months ago, I was having a hard time working 16 to 24 hours a week. I just finished working a 47-hour week ... and I feel great! Part of that, of course, is that I love my job but, still, no matter how much I love it, I wouldn't have been able to work 47 hours and feel great seven months ago.

And no periods? I can't even tell you how great it is to not even have to worry about that. The only time I ever even think about that anymore is when I blog here. Oh yeah. lol There was one other time I thought about it. Someone dropped a tampon (unused) outside the back door of the building at work. It sat there for days. I was waiting for someone to ask if someone was going to pick that thing up. I was just waiting to say, "It's not mine. Ha!"

Anyway, happy six month hysterversary to me! And thanks to everyone who helped me get here :)

I Knew I Was Right

2005-10-30T18:47:00.000-05:00

It seems like forever ago that I knew I wasn't going to be able to go back to work after just six weeks. I just wasn't ready physically or mentally. But then when I did the play and worked part-time at the Red Cross for those few weeks, I was tired, but felt I probably could go back to work full-time.

Well, now that I've worked two 40-hour weeks, I know I was right, and there was no way I could have gone back to work after just six weeks. I mean, it's been 5 and half months and I'm still exhausted after work. Honestly, I work then go home and go to bed 'til morning. Luckily, I don't have to be at work 'til just before noon, so I can get things done in the morning. Anyway, if I'm this tired now, I can't even imagine how I would have felt 4 months ago if I'd gone back to work then.

But I do love my job and the exhaustion is totally worth it. One of the cool parts, hysterectomy-wise, is that I don't have to worry about any period-related stuff at work. Yay! That's especially nice since I work with mostly guys.

So, all in all, except for being extremely tired, I'm feeling wonderful! I was never more glad than I am right now that I had the surgery.

Five Months

2005-10-12T10:12:00.000-04:00

Five months ago at this time, I was in the recovery room and the nurses were getting ready to take me to my room. Most of the time, it's hard for me to believe any of it really happened. It seems like so long ago, and it seems like a dream or something.

But then there are the times I get angry with myself for being so tired that I can't do anything but sleep. It's those times that I have to remind myself that it's only been 5 months and the average recovery time is 6 months to a year.

But, I am at the point where the good far outweighs the bad. That is never more clear to me that when I pass the feminine hygiene section of the store. In fact, last week when I saw all that stuff and realized I'll never need it again, I giggled. A weird thing about that is that for so many years my period was on my mind almost constantly because I never knew when I was going to get it, or what was going to happen when I did. Now I don't even think about it at all except when I'm in the store passing that aisle. Hallelujah!

2005-09-25T12:13:00.000-04:00

More of the Same

Actually, a few things have changed since my last post but, the bottom line is I'm still tired. I'm not complaining, though, I'm simply stating a fact. When I think about how tired I am, I get frustrated. Then I remember it's only been four-and-a-half months since the surgery and it's perfectly normal for me to be this tired, considering everything I've been doing.

Besides looking after my Mom, I started a new job. It's only temporary and part-time but it's very hectic right now, and will be for a while. I'm doing PR-related stuff for the local chapter of the Red Cross, so I'm sure you can imagine how chaotic it is.

I'm also part of the sound effects crew for a play our local community theater is doing. And it's not just pushing buttons to get the effects. We're doing them "live" so the audience can see how we create the effects. There's a part toward the end of the play where I'm doing so much that I actually sweat. But I'm having a blast!

Anyway, we had rehearsal yesterday morning (and this morning) instead of at night. So, when that was finished I took my Mom grocery shopping. After getting everything put away at about 3:30 p.m., I took a nap. I woke up at 7:15 p.m. I ate dinner and went back to bed. I woke up at 4 a.m., went to the bathroom and didn't wake up again until the alarm went off at 8 a.m. And, I could go back to bed again and sleep for the rest of the afternoon ... if there wasn't a Bills game to watch.

I'm thankful, though, that being tired is my only complaint. Before the surgery, there's no way I could have handled all of this. I would have been too tired, in too much pain, and constantly worried that I'd have some kind of flooding "accident." So, I really am starting to enjoy my uterus-free life. Yay!

2005-09-10T10:34:00.000-04:00

Tired, Tired, Tired

Anyone who's read my other blog knows that I'm working on a play for our local community theater. I didn't think an extra two hours a night would take such a toll on me, but it has. I'm having fun but I'm exhausted.

Then, on top of that, I did something stupid. I volunteered to work a day at the Red Cross (Meals on Wheels) on the same day I had an AAUW meeting. That means I didn't get an afternoon nap. Actually, I didn't get one for three days in a row.

All I was planning to do yesterday was sleep. But I woke up at 6:10 a.m. and, when I went to the bathroom, I noticed that my Mom's oxygen tube wasn't in the hallway going into her bedroom, so she must have been awake and downstairs earlier than normal. I went down to check on her to see if everything was ok. She was in the kitchen. Her hands were full of blood, there was blood all down the front of her nightgown and all over the floor. She was having another gushing nose bleed. When it didn't stop after 10 minutes, we went to the ER. Her blood pressure was 201/76. I'm sure everyone knows that's not good. An hour and a half later, after they took care of her, I took her home. But I couldn't go back to sleep because I had to go to her doctor's office and pick up some blood pressure pills for her. An hour later, when the doctor's office opened, I went down and learned that they'd changed their policy and they don't just give out the drugs anymore, even if you've been getting free samples for two years, as my Mom has. So the receptionist took the phone number and said she'd call when the drugs were ready. I figured I'd try to get some sleep while we waited for the phone call. But the phone rang just about every half hour for the next few hours. It wasn't the doctor's office, though. They didn't call until 2:45 p.m. When they did, my Mom said she also needed a prescription for a problem she was having with her eye. They said they'd call it into the pharmacy. So, I went to the doctor's office and picked up the blood pressure medicine. Then I went to the pharmacy, hoping the prescription would be ready. It wasn't, so I went to the bank while I was waiting. When I got back to the pharmacy, the pharmacist told me that they don't carry the eye drops the doctor ordered. She called the doctor's office to see if there was something else he could order. He was gone for the weekend. So then she called another pharmacy to see if they carried the drops. They don't either. She called another pharmacy. Thank goodness they had the drops. So, the orginal pharmacist made a deal with the third pharmacist. I paid for them at the first place but had to go to the other place to pick them up. Sheesh! What an ordeal!

By the time I got home and got my Mom all taken care of, I was too wired to sleep, although I was more tired than I was when I woke up 10 hours earlier. So, I went grocery shopping. Well, it really wasn't "grocery" shopping. I'm on the hostess committee for next month's AAUW meeting and I want to make these cookies I saw a recipe for a few months ago. But, since I never made them before, I want to try them before I offer to bake them for the meeting. I mean, I don't want my first time on the hostess committee to be a bad experience, for me and the poor women who would have to be polite and tell me the cookies are good even if they suck.

So, on a day I planned to catch up on sleep, I finally got back to bed at 6:50 p.m.

Oh yeah. I forgot to mention this. A woman at the Red Cross, who had a hysterectomy a few years ago, told me it's perfectly normal for me to still be so tired at this point in my recovery. She told me she still has to take naps after work sometimes, and she's two years younger than I am.

I also told her I wanted to take the Red Cross Disaster Relief Course and go to the Gulf Coast to help out. She told me there's no way I'd be up to doing that until at least January. But she said she's sure they'll still be sending people then.

Anyway, although I had some really strange dreams last night, I did get some sleep. I could use some more, though. But I will get an afternoon nap today. I have to. Big Brother 6 isn't on 'til 10 p.m. and I can't fall asleep during that, can I? ;)

Follow-up Doctor Visit

2005-09-01T10:04:00.000-04:00

My doctor was very pleased with everything. The Effexor is working well, and didn't wreak havoc with my blood pressure. Even the symptoms it didn't help with don't seem as bad because the depression isn't an issue anymore.

He also said my hormone levels show that I'm just starting menopause but, he doesn't think there's a need to do anything about that since most of the symptoms were depression-related, not menopause-related.

The only thing that concerned him at all was my cholesterol, which is 236. But, he knows that if I continue to lose weight, that won't be a problem because my "good" cholesterol is 56. Fifty is good; anything higher is even better, he said.

So, at 3 1/2 months post-surgery, I'm in pretty good shape now. I'm believing, again, that I actually will feel better in November, which is six months from the surgery and when most women start feeling better than ever.

I Worry About the Strangest Things

2005-08-27T09:25:00.000-04:00

I've lost 11 pounds in 10 days. That means I have 26 to go before I get to my pre-anemia (and too tired to exercise) weight. That's the good part because during the six weeks prior to my doctor's appointment I couldn't lose weight no matter what I did. But, as I'm sure anyone knows, losing 11 pounds in 10 days usually isn't a good thing.

The reason I lost the weight is that my doctor gave me Effexor to try for two weeks. One of the side effects is loss of appetite. All I've eaten for the last 10 days, each day, is a low-carb cookie, a low-carb mini muffin and a salad. And I have to force myself to eat that.

Now, here's where the worrying comes in. I guess I'm kind of a control freak or something because I think and re-think every possible scenario to every upcoming situation. (That could have something to do with social anxiety disorder, too, I guess.) I do this so I'll know how to react in any given situation. I have my next doctor's appointment on Wednesday. I don't know if he'll say I've lost too much weight and change the drug, which has helped me in every other way, or if he'll say it's good that I lost the weight. The third possibility is that he'll keep everything the way it is and schedule another appointment in a month or so to see how I'm doing. That's what I'm hoping.

I Had to Laugh

2005-08-21T14:16:00.000-04:00

I was cleaning out a purse I haven't used since April. Aside from the pens, notebooks, loose change and empty cigarette pack (*shrug), here's what I found: 1 full box of tampons; 3 loose tampons; 2 panty liners; 1 full-size pad; 1 half-full bottle of Excedrin; 1 half-full bottle of Advil; 1 bottle of Pamprin with 4 tablets in it; 1 pair of clean underwear.

Must be my moods are getting better because I couldn't help but laugh. Man, has my life ever changed in just a few short months. I can't believe I carried all that stuff around and thought it was normal. Well, for a few years I thought it was normal. Then, I came to my senses.

Good Stuff

2005-08-21T09:49:00.000-04:00

We went to the fair on Thursday and were gone for 15 hours (12 at the fair; 3 driving). This is the first time in recent memory that all I had to take with me was money. No pads. No tampons. No pain medication. No change of underwear, just in case. Nothing! I didn't have to worry about standing in line for the restroom, or where the nearest restroom was. And it felt great!

The Effexor is working. I was jittery for the first two days but my doctor warned me that I might be so it didn't really bother me. But my moods are better, more even. And I actually care about doing things now. I have no more hot flashes and, I'm not sure if this is an effect of the drug but I'm not complaining, I've been sleeping through the night.

I'm not sure if this is an effect of the drug either, or if it just ran its course but, the joints in my hands aren't as sore. I can actually open water bottles now with no problem.

I really think I'm getting somewhere now.

Doctor Visit

2005-08-16T11:56:00.000-04:00

In the previous post I mentioned "sudden tears" as one of my symptoms. Well, let me tell ya ... It's a very useful symptom to have when you're talking to your doctor and explaining how you're feeling, especially when one of those feelings is depression.

He gave me a two-week sample of Effexor. I have another appointment in two weeks to see how I'm doing. He also ordered blood tests to check my hormone levels.

It's such a relief to have a doctor listen to me and take me seriously.

This Wasn't Supposed to Happen

2005-08-13T21:14:00.000-04:00

Because I kept my ovaries, I wasn't supposed to go through menopause this early. But, I just got my 3-month checkpoint e-mail from Hyster Sisters and, sure enough, that's what's going on. Here's a list of the most common symptoms. I've put in bold the symptoms I have. Bold and italicized means they're a huge problem.

Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling
Irregular heart beat
Irritability
Mood swings, sudden tears
Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)
Loss of libido
Dry vagina
Pain during sex
Crashing fatigue
Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom
Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
Disturbing memory lapses
Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence
Itchy, crawly skin
Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons
Increased tension in muscles
Breast tenderness
Headache change: increase or decrease
Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
Sudden bouts of bloat
Depression
Worsening of existing conditions
Increase in allergies
Weight gain
Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
Changes in body odor
Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head
Tingling in the extremities
Gum problems, increased bleeding
Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor
Osteoporosis
Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier
Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, 'whooshing,' buzzing etc.

You better believe I'm taking this list to the doctor with me on Tuesday.

Coping & Stuff

2005-08-04T12:36:00.000-04:00

My mom hasn't been doing very well lately. Yesterday she had a nasty nose-bleed incident. We're not talking a few drops of blood on a tissue. Because she's on two kinds of blood thinners, her nose bleeds gush all over the place ... her clothes, the bathroom sink, the floor. It's really scary! She had just been to the ear/nose/throat doctor on Monday because her nose bleeds have been more frequent. He gave her a silver nitrate treatment, then told her if she got another nose bleed to wait half an hour before she called a doctor or went to the ER. So, yesterday she did everything she was supposed to ... sit straight up, pinch the nostrils (which is hard for her because she's on oxygen) and put ice on it. An hour later, she got the color back in her face and everything was fine.

I'm in no way ready, physically or emotionally, to deal with all of this right now. The nose bleed was just the least of her latest problems. As I said, I'm having trouble coping. But I do. I have no choice.

She was planning on doing laundry yesterday. So was I. Since she couldn't, I ended up having to do it for both of us. Our washing machine is in the basement. Our bedrooms and bathroom (where the dirty clothes are) are on the second floor. That means going up and down lots and lots of stairs. I posted about leg heaviness a few weeks ago. It hasn't gotten any better. By 9 p.m., I'm pretty much upstairs for the rest of the night because my legs just won't let me climb the stairs. Knowing this, I should have done laundry earlier in the day. But I didn't start it 'til around 7 p.m. By 11 p.m. I was so tired I thought I'd sleep for a couple of days. But, insomnia being what it was, I eneded up watching 4 episodes of "Roseanne." Then, at 2 a.m., I remembered I still had a load of laundry in the washing machine. If it was mine, I would have left it 'til morning. But it was my mom's, so I went down to the basement to take care of it. As I was going back upstairs to my bedroom, I had four steps to go when my left leg wouldn't move. I could not lift it onto the next step. I had to sit down for about 5 mintues until my leg would move again. Even when it did and I made it up those last few steps, I literally had to drag the leg as I made my way down the hall to my bedroom.

I just have to keep reminding myself this will all end soon.

When Will it End?

2005-08-03T12:07:00.000-04:00

I ended up taking a Lortab last night after all. The pain never went away and ibuprofen just wasn't cuttin' it. I did wait until around 11 p.m. to take the Lortab, though, because it makes me loopy and sleepy. It's been so long since I've taken one that I forgot another lovely side effect. It makes me itchy. So, although I was loopy and sleepy, I didn't get to sleep until sometime after 2:30 a.m. (I know that because I was watching "School Ties" and I remember the last scene I saw.) Before I fell asleep I was getting frustrated, not just with the itching, but with the fact that even Lortab didn't help with the insomnia. OK. I guess it did help a little bit. I haven't been getting to sleep until around 4 a.m. and then I wake up at around 6:30 or 7. But this morning I woke up at 6:30, just to go to the bathroom, then went back to sleep until about 9:30. You'd think after getting some all-too-elusive sleep, I'd feel refreshed for a change. Nope. I have a Lortab hangover.

I know it'll get better soon. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

Still Taking the Good with the Bad

2005-08-02T09:35:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning with a terrible pain in my right side. It was so bad, in fact, that I considered taking a Lortab, which I haven't done since Week 4. (This is Week 12, for anyone who's counting.) At first, I thought it hurt so much because I wore jeans all day yesterday and, although they're not tight, they are restricting, and that's not good. Also, the ice was getting annoying, so I didn't use it as much as I should have last night. But, about an hour after I woke up I realized what the problem was. I still check the toilet paper after I go. Old habits die hard, ya know? When I checked, I noticed a clump of stitches. Until then, I had totally forgotten that I had hundreds of internal stitches and that it can take as long as a year for some of them to disolve. Most of the time, you don't even notice them because they do what they're supposed to do ... disolve. But, sometimes, like today, you do. Anyway, that's what the pain was.

But, before I realized that's what was causing the pain, I decided not to wear jeans today just to be on the safe side. Because I haven't really felt like doing laundry lately, I only had one dress to wear. Although I've been telling myself that my weight gain is fluid, not fat, I was afraid to put the dress on and see for sure. But, guess what? It fits! So, although I have 2 pounds to go to get to my pre-surgery weight, and another 25 to go to get to my pre-rapidly growing fibroids weight, I know some of it is fluid and that makes me feel so much better. I am being realistic, though. I know it's not 27 pounds worth of fluid. If I believed that, it would be kind of like believing "My jeans shrunk in the dryer" when I started gaining weight.

Better

2005-08-01T10:16:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling somewhat better today, although I'm still in a little bit of a funk. What really got me down is this: I was praying for some kind of resolution to my financial situation so I don't have to dip into my savings account before the end of the month when my royalty check gets here. In Saturday's mail, I got a hospital bill that insurance isn't covering. It's not a huge bill but, after I pay it, half the money I budgeted for this month will be gone.

So, I guess all I can do is pay it and keep praying.

Untitled

2005-07-30T15:41:00.000-04:00

I'm hoping that by writing this I'll feel better. Maybe by writing it, I'll realize how stupid it would be if I really did it. But, as I'm typing, I can think of more reasons to do it than not to do it. I'm hoping that this feeling will pass soon and I'll get onto happier thoughts. But, as I was thinking about going to the doctor and trying to explain why I think I need some kind of anti-depressant, I was thinking "What if I really want to do it and the drug keeps me from doing it?" Despite what I've written earlier about not being suicidal that, my friends, is a suicidal thought. Please God, and all the angels and saints, if I'm not meant to "do it," let me hang on for 16 more days until I see the doctor because right now all I can think about is the easiest way to do it.

(Un)Comfortably Numb

2005-07-30T11:24:00.000-04:00

Have I ever mentioned that one of the minor annoyances of this, or any abdominal surgery, is numbness? Well, I should have because it drives me nuts sometimes. I get an itch somewhere on my abdomen but, I can't scratch it because the whole area is numb. I learned that rubbing vigorously instead of scratching to no avail works because it gets the nerve endings working, for a little while anyway. Then there's the ice thing. Sometimes when I put ice on my abdomen I get frustrated because I think it's not cold enough or it's just not working. Then I remember that it's probably working, I just can't feel it. It's really strange to not feel a cold sensation on your abdomen but, if you put your hand on it, you feel that it's cold. I've heard that the numbness can last for years. I hope that's not true in my case.

Speaking of ice on my abdomen, I don't think I ever mentioned why I have to be horizontal twice a day with ice on my belly. I wrote about how much I overdid during Fourth of July weekend but, I didn't write about the consequences. Because I wasn't a good girl, and didn't put my feet up as much as I'm supposed to during the day, I developed a pocket of lymphatic fluid that was, using the non-medical term, stuck. If the pocket burst, I could have ended up very sick, at the very least, and in the hospital. So, I was put on bed rest for 12 hours. (At least. He told me not to set my alarm for 5 a.m. just because the 12 hours would be up. I was supposed to take sleeping pilils and sleep 'til I woke up on my own.) Then, for the next six weeks (2 more to go!) I'm supposed to "be horizontal" for an hour in the afternoon and an hour in the early evening with an ice pack on my abdomen so that fluid doesn't build up and get stuck again.

The moral of the story is: If you're told to put your feet up every couple of hours, put your feet up every couple of hours.

The Thing

2005-07-29T09:54:00.000-04:00

I have a new, better attitude about swelly belly. A couple of days ago I started to go upstairs to my bedroom to do my hour in the afternoon of being horizontal to avoid fluid build-up. Then I realized I had forgotten to get an ice pack. I put my hands on my abdomen and said to my mom "I have to get ice to put on this thing." Now, that's how I'm thinking of it: The Thing. It feels as if it's some huge water balloon connected to me more than it feels as if it's part of me, so why not? I'm not allowed to do ab crunches or sit-ups or anything like that yet because the swelling means I'm not healed inside yet and intense exercise would only make it worse. But I am allowed to do isometric exercises, which I have been doing, and I can feel the muscles getting tighter. It gives me hope that when The Thing goes away, I'll have a flat stomach again.

It is starting to go down a little. I can regularly wear my pre-surgery jeans now. Yesterday, I wore a pre-surgery skirt, and not the loose, flowing ones I've been wearing. My abdomen stuck out a little bit in it but, I didn't really care. It just proved to me that it's fluid retention, not fat, because the skirt fits the same, if not better, in every other place.

It's weird that swelly belly bothers me so much. It's not the worst thing about recovery but, aside from being tired, it is the most frustrating. I guess that's because I worked so hard to loose all the weight I lost and now there's nothing I can do about The Thing except wait. But, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There really is. I'm just thankful I'm able to see it.

Taking the Bad with the Good

2005-07-27T10:40:00.000-04:00

It's time to re-evaluate how I'm feeling, if for no other reason than to remind myself that I feel better than I did pre-surgery.

Bad
1.Depression
2.Insomnia (could be related to the depression)
3.Fluid retention/swelly belly (it is getting better though. I only gained, and lost, 5 pounds of it last week instead of the 9 or 10 I was gaining and losing for few weeks prior to last week.)
4.Exhaustion starting in the early evening.
5.Hot flashes (C'mon ovaries! Start working right again. Soon, please!)

Good
1.No periods! (I won't even list the myriad advantages of that.)
2.No migraines
3.No lower back pain
4.Clearer complexion
5.More energy for most of the day
5.Only rare internal pain (and that's only when I overdo it and forget I'm still healing and still have internal stitches)

Although the numbers are equal, the good does far outweigh the bad mainly because (I hope!) the bad is only temporary. I sure hope the doctor will hook me up with some Zoloft or something, though. I have an appointment in about 2 weeks. This appointment was made a year ago when he told me I was perfectly healthy but I needed to see my gynecologist. Although I feel really, really bad sometimes (depression-wise), most of the time I think I can wait until the regularly scheduled appointment to get it taken care of. Actually, I think I'm hoping it'll go away on its own. That is possible. One of the many things I've learned during this experience is how everything can change from one day to the next. But, I did promise myself that if I catch myself falling even deeper into depression, I'll go to the doctor earlier.

St. Theresa

2005-07-26T09:51:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I started the five-day St. Theresa Prayer. The reason I like praying to St. Theresa is that I'm a skeptic and I don't always believe my prayers are being answered. She, however, gives signs (roses) that they are. Although I didn't see a rose yesterday (Sometimes I don't on the first couple of days.), she gave me something more important: Clarity. That clarity helped me to know that I was doing the right thing this morning. After I did it, I was hit with a feeling of tranquility that told me I had done what I was supposed to do.

By the way (and this has nothing to do with St. Theresa), I'm not suicidal. I do have thoughts about my own death but, I'm not thinking about bringing it on myself. I think of it in terms of not wanting to get older and be a burden to my family, most likely my nephews and their future wives. If I had a choice, I'd rather get hit by a bus or have a fatal heart attack or something else that's quick. Actually, if you believe Sylvia Browne, and I do believe a lot of what she says, we've already chosen our paths in life and our "exit points" before we're even born. I hope I was smart enough to choose a quick exit.

Blogathon

2005-07-20T14:10:00.000-04:00

In my other blog, I'll be participating in Blogathon 2005 next month. The charity I've chosen is The Global Fund for Women, a very important and worthy cause, I believe. Please check out their Web site and I'm sure you'll agree.

The reason I'm mentioning it here, is that I'll be telling my entire hyststory from beginning to Aug. 6, which is the day of the event. I've been trying to keep my hysterectomy experiences separate from the other blog because, hey, not everyone wants to read about this stuff. The reason I'm making an exception for Blogathon is that I believe everyone needs to know more about this. I really think it will help fathers, husbands, sons, etc., understand what the women in their lives may be experiencing. I believe it will help women who've been there as well as those who may be looking at a hysterectomy in their future. I also believe that doctors and other healthcare workers may get something out of it as well. If what I write makes one doctor take even one woman seriously when she says she has painful periods, it'll be worth it.

I'm hoping some of you will consider sponsoring me. If you do, you'll have to register first, but I think it'll be worth it. After registering, go here if you'd like to sponsor me. If you don't want to sponsor me, please consider donating to another worthy cause. Thank you!

Depression

2005-07-19T13:53:00.000-04:00

OK. Here's the thing. I try to be upbeat. I tell myself I'm feeling better, which I am physically for the most part. But I'm depressed. It's not a oh-I'm-just-sad-and-I'll-get-over-it-soon depression. It's pretty much all-consuming. I don't want to see people or talk to people, even my best friend. Any time I need to interact with people it's almost physically painful. When I have no choice but to go to Wal-Mart, I go after midnight so there will be fewer people there. I can't get interested in writing or any of the list of art projects I want to do. I can't concentrate on anything. I've never been much of channel surfer but now, even when I'm watching a favorite show, I surf just because I'm fidgety. And I can't sleep. No matter how tired I am, or how much I try to tire myself out, I just can't.

I've heard that many people suffer clinical depression after major surgery, especially if hormones are involved. I'm hoping that my doctor will take me seriously when I see him next month, if the situation doesn't resolve itself by then. If it doesn't, I hope I can wait 'til then.

I kind of knew that telling my mother about how I'm feeling would be a mistake but, I did it anyway. She said maybe the doctor will give me Xanax. Yes mother, give a depressed person an anti-anxiety drug. That'll help.

Something Else I Remembered

2005-07-19T13:38:00.000-04:00

I went to the gynecologist for the first time when I was 25. I'm not sure if I remember this correctly but, I think back then if there was no history of cancer in your family it was recommended that the first visit be between the ages of 21 and 25. I know I should have gone sooner because I was having problems but, because my mother and aunt (who I spent a lot of time with) didn't seem to be taking me seriously and, pretty much, thought I was just being a baby, I didn't go. When I did, the doctor actually took me seriously when I told him how irregular and painful my periods were. He put me on birth control pills to regulate my periods (I was using The Sponge at the time.) and he said it should take care of the pain as well.

My sainted Italian Catholic mother was mortifed that I was on The Pill. She didn't know I was sexually active at the time and believed this was a green light for me to be a slut. Even after I tried explaining to her that it wasn't for birth control, it was to help make me feel better, she was still upset. She could not believe that my periods would be bad enough that I'd need a prescription to take care of it. (She's a nurse, by the way, which makes everything I post about her even more unbelievable to me. But, as I said earlier, I do love her.)

I only took The Pill for two years (until I got married) because it really wasn't helping very much. After that, it would be 3 more years before I went back to the gynecologist. He suggested I go back on The Pill. I said "No." I didn't go back. I didn't see another gynecologist until this one retired 10 years later. The new one didn't take me seriously either. He suggested I take Pamprin every 3 hours instead of every 4 hours for pain. He never addressed the heavy, irregular periods.

Five years later, I finally got a gynecologist who took me seriously. Thank God!

Remembering

2005-07-18T09:50:00.000-04:00

In yesterday's post, I wrote about remembering that I'd always, it seemed, had bad periods. Last night, I started remembering more things about that. In high school, one time I was so weak and dizzy during my period that one of the nuns gave me vitamins in the hopes of making me feel better. I was also in the nurse's office more than once with period-related migraines. I also remember being bedridden on the first day of my period until I was well into my 20s. I couldn't understand how girls in high school and college could function during the first day of the period. I also remembered a friend of mine telling me, about a week or so prior to my surgery, that 10 years ago I said "If I'm not going to have children, why can't I just get a hysterectomy and be done with this?"

So, although the last five years were bad ... the last 8 months prior to surgery in particular ... I realize that I've always had problems and a hysterectomy was absolutely the right thing to do. I'm not sure if I could have dealt with the "wait and see" approach until menopause. Seriously, I think I may have killed myself. Yes, that's how bad it was on some days.

Thank God for a doctor who took me seriously! Finally!!

Testing

2005-07-16T21:08:00.000-04:00

I see that Blogger has a new feature & I wanted to try it out. These are the flowers I got while I was in the hospital.

Good Things I've Noticed

2005-07-16T20:59:00.000-04:00

Mostly, I post about problems here. I think that's because I need a place to vent. But, actually, I have noticed a few good things since the hysterectomy. One thing is that my complexion is so much better. It wasn't bad before (I don't even wear makeup.) but it's almost pre-adolescent clear now. Also, over the last couple of years I've had really dry feet, especially my heels, and (sorry if this is TMI) really hard, brittle toe nails. Both problems are now resolved. Yay!

These things, plus a post at Hyster Sisters have given me hope about a bigger problem ... a problem that has me really worried. For the last few years I've been losing my hair. Luckily, it's pretty curly and if it's styled right it's not very noticeable. But it's been so bad that when I wash it there's a lot it on my hands that I have to wipe on a towel or it would clog up the drain. I thought it was either my imagination, or wishful thinking, that had me believing it's gotten better since the surgery. But after reading the post at Hyster Sisters, I learned that hair loss is one of the effects of anemia, as well as major surgery, along with out-of-control hormones. So, maybe it's not my imagination after all. Maybe this is another of the unexpected but oh-so-welcome side effects of a hysterectomy.

Getting Back to Normal

2005-07-16T10:48:00.000-04:00

For the last 8 weeks I've gained and lost the same 9 pounds. It's driving me insane because I'm sticking to my diet. OK. Every now & then I'll eat something I shouldn't but not enough to warrant a 9-pound weight gain in a week. The only thing that's keeping me somewhat sane is that I lose it just as fast as I gain it. I'm sure it's just fluid but still, it's annoying.

Anyway, I figured that if that trend stops (and I'm praying that it does!) and I stick to my diet and exercise regularly, by October I'll weigh what I weighed last October before I started feeling like crap. Then, I can say "It's been a long, crazy year but everything will be better now."

Nightmares

2005-07-16T10:38:00.000-04:00

Since before the surgery I had been having weird dreams. Right after the surgery, they became more vivid and more nightmarish. I learned the reason is pain meds and anesthesia. I haven't had any weird dreams for a couple of weeks and I attributed that to the fact that all I've been taking is ibuprofen every now and then and Unisom for the insomnia. Well, I guess the combination was enough to bring the nightmares back. I had 2 yesterday.

In the first one, I dreamed that I had my period, along with really bad cramps. I managed to find 2 pads but was freaking out because I was in too much pain to go to the store to get more. I was afraid I'd go through those before I felt up to getting more. I was also telling myself that the operation didn't work and I was going to have to have another one. When I woke up, the area near my incision was really hurting, so I guess that explains the dream. I put ice on my belly & was ok.

The other one was more disturbing. At first there was this huge party at my house with all kinds of gourment food. Actually, all my favorite foods were there stuffing the refrigerator and freezer. All my relatives were there, too, but I didn't know why. When the party was over my mother told me that my uncle had killed himself. As I slumped to the floor, I asked her why. She said it was financial reasons, which doesn't make any sense at all. Then I asked her how he did it. She told me and then I saw this extremely vivid image of a man putting a revolver in his mouth and pulling the trigger.

At any rate, I think I'm going to stop taking the Unisom and see what happens. I'd rather have no sleep than sleep and have those nightmares.

Odd

2005-07-15T08:16:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if this is hysterectomy-related or not but, during the last couple of weeks I've noticed pain in the joints in my hands. Sometimes I even have a hard time opening a bottle of water. I have an appointment with my regular doctor a month from today. I think I'll live with it 'til then, unless it gets worse.

Nine Weeks

2005-07-14T11:44:00.000-04:00

It's hard to believe that it's been nine weeks since my hysterectomy. When I compare how I feel now to how I felt at 8 weeks, it's miraculous. I really never thought I'd feel this good so soon. Granted, I still have a few problems but nothing I can't deal with and nothing at all compared to pre-surgery.

One problem I'm still having is insomnia. I bought an OTC sleep aid but it takes about 2 hours for it to kick in, then I still wake up once or twice and I'm so groggy the next day. I've decided to only take it once or twice a week because I don't like the side effects. I have an appointment with my regular doctor next month. If I'm still having problems sleeping by then, I'll mention it to him.

Another problem is swelly belly, and swelling in my ankles, too. It's really only bad on days I do too much or if I don't lie down for an hour twice a day. But geez, I get so sick of being in bed. Ice on the swelly belly feels really good, though.

I'm also having a major problem with my weight. I keeping gaining and losing the same 10 pounds. It's frustrating.

All in all, though, I feel good. If I had to make the choice all over again, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

My Best Friend

2005-07-12T13:24:00.000-04:00

Anyone who has read my other blog knows that my best friend is a guy. I thought this would be a problem because I wouldn't be able to talk to him about a lot of things related to the hysterectomy. I was wrong. Granted, I didn't feel the need to go into a lot of the gory and disgusting details, but I did tell him how I was feeling pre-surgery and he was very supportive.

He lives several hundred miles away (a six-hour drive) so we only see each other in person a few times a year. One of his scheduled visits (to see his parents, not just me) was May 26, two weeks after the surgery. We planned on going out to dinner if I felt up to it. I was bound and determined to feel up to it because there's no way I wanted to miss out on spending time with him. However, when the day arrived, I still felt pretty bad. Well, not bad really. Just too tired to go out to dinner. Even with him. *sigh* It was so hard for me to say I couldn't go because I knew he'd be disappointed. And I really, really wanted to go. But I didn't. And, yes, he was disappointed but he said "The most important thing is that you start feeling better." I was so grateful that he said that.

Well, he was here again over the weekend and we did get to go out. Only for a couple of beers this time, but still, we got to spend time together. He asked all the right questions and said all the right things (which he has in e-mails and phone calls, too) and then we got on with the visit.

I guess that's one of the reasons you choose the best friends you do. He knew that I needed to talk about it and get it out of my system before we could talk about anything else. I wish people other than The Best Friend understood that. I know it's been almost nine weeks but I'm still pretty much obsessed with how I feel and how I'm recovering. So, all anyone has to do to get me to be "normal" is feed my obsession first. Could it really be that difficult to understand?

Just for the heck of it ....

2005-07-11T01:59:00.000-04:00

... I thought I'd do some more research on fibroids and painful periods and all that fun (ahem) stuff I went through for so long. Holy crap! I didn't realize how bad off I really was ... and for a long time, too!

Here's what I found at OBGYN.net:

Most women lose about 6 teaspoons of blood each month.
Are you f'ing kidding me?!?! 6 teaspoons a month?! I was losing 6 teaspoons a minute!

Very heavy bleeding, saturating a pad or tampon every hour or two for more than a few hours, is also abnormal.
How 'bout saturating a pad and a tampon every hour for more than a few hours?

Dysmenorrhea refers to the pain accompanying a period. Most menstruating women have uterine contractions ... that each last for less than thirty seconds and occur about every 3 to 5 minutes...women who experience severe dysmenorrhea have cramps that last up to 90 seconds with only a few seconds of rest in between.
I would have killed to have cramps that lasted only 90 seconds or even to have a few seconds of rest in between. Cramps that lasted less than 30 seconds with 3 to 5 minutes rest in between would have been heaven.

I have mixed feelings about all of this. I'm glad I got it all taken care of course. However, I'm a little pissed at my former GYN (God rest his soul anyway) for not taking me seriously five years ago. Then again, it's over now and I'll never have to go through any of that crap again, so why waste energy being pissed?

Sometimes I'm dumb

2005-07-04T18:50:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was watching television with a friend and an ad for "War of the Worlds" came on. I asked if he had any desire to see that. He said he was just going to ask me if I wanted to go to the drive-in to see it. I did. Well, during the day I didn't get any rest. I didn't do a lot but I didn't lie down with a cold pack on my belly either. Then, the ride to the drive-in was kind of bumpy, which bothered me. Then, I sat for nearly four hours (two movies). I did get up once to stretch my legs and relieve some discomfort. I went to the restroom once, too, and it was nasty. I had to go again but didn't want to go back in there, so I just held it. Big mistake! By the time we got to the restaurant we went to after the movies, I had held it so long it took almost a minute for my bladder to get moving. Then I had to go again just a few minutes later when it really started working. By the time I got home my abdomen was so swollen it looked as if I swallowed a watermelon. My ankles were swollen, too.

The only good thing was that I was so worn out that I slept for 8 straight hours without taking a sleeping pill. When I woke up, I got my cold pack, went back to bed and slept for another 2 hours.

Who would have thought just going to a drive-in without resting first would wear me out that much? I guess I'm not as far along in my recovery as I thought I was. But I still feel a heck of a lot better than I did pre-op!

Independence Day

2005-07-03T16:52:00.000-04:00

Those words have a new, and somewhat selfish, meaning for me this year. I'm free of the pain, free of the bleeding for 3 weeks out of the month, free of fear of knowing something is wrong but not knowing exactly what it is, and so much more.

And, one of the Hyster Sisters has declared July "Get Rid of Your Panties Month." I was waiting for the right time to do it because I can't stand seeing the reminders of all the problems. I don't know how many pairs of panties I bought in the last few years because I didn't have any "good" ones because my period would show up unannounced or would be so heavy that flooding was inevitable. Right now I have about 40 pairs, and only one good one and that's because I bought them 2 weeks before the surgery and refused to wear them until after the hysterectomy. Anyway, during the discussion at Hyster Sisters, people were talking about getting rid of panties altogether and "going commando." Honestly, I really never thought about that as an alternative. (I only went commando once in recent years because I didn't want panty lines showing when I wore a new pair of nice-looking pants, but I was so nervous about my period showing up unexepectedly that I didn't enjoy it. OK. At first I did, until I started thinking too much.) So, this morning after my shower I said "I'm doing it. I'm going commando." Talk about independence day! It feels great!

So, here's to independence in all its various forms!

Leg Heaviness

2005-07-02T13:34:00.000-04:00

This is just another reason I love Hyster Sisters. For the past week or so I've had the worst feeling of heaviness in my legs, especially when going up stairs. My legs feel as if they weigh 100 pounds each and it feels as if I can barely make it up the last 2 stairs when I have to go up to the bathroom or my bedroom. I was kind of worried about that until I read on the Hyster Sisters message boards that it's quite common and normal. Just another one of "those things."

Test Drives

2005-07-02T13:24:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I started driving my car at two weeks out but there's a more important test drive I took a week later. I found out that, it seems, the majority of Hyster Sisters took the same test drive at 3 weeks out. (That's where I got the term, too.)

I guess we were all worried that after the surgery, all the parts wouldn't be working right or they would hurt, or, heaven forbid, they wouldn't work at all. I'm happy to report that, although I was scared to try it, my first "test drive" was very successful and everything works just fine. Subsequent test drives have been getting better and better. Now I'm anxious to find someone ready to take me on a real, shall we say, road test. I'm more than ready for that now, especially since I don't have to worry about my stupid period getting in the way.

Bladder Problems

2005-07-02T13:20:00.000-04:00

OK. I don't know if "problems" is exactly the right word. Maybe annoyances would be more accurate. Problems would be before the hysterectomy when my uterus was pressing on my bladder and I had to pee up to 37 times in 24 hours. Now what happens is that if I don't pee when I have to, I have some pain until I go. But this is the funny part. When I do go, it just flows and flows and flows. I had to laugh when I thought maybe that wasn't normal. I laughed at myself when I realized "this" is normal. What wasn't normal was the tiny tinkles every half hour to 45 minutes.

Exercise & Other Weighty Issues

2005-06-30T11:19:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm up to walking a mile a day again. Yay me! I was starting to feel bad when reading about other women who aren't even as far along in recovery as I am and they're walking 3 or 4 miles a day. I'll eventually work up to 5 again, but thinking about it is all I can do right now. And it's not as if I was in bad shape before. I was walking 5 miles, weight training and doing tae-bo.

I've heard that gaining 20 pounds or so is average, so I'm about average. I think the women who do rock climbing, run marathons and hike right up until the day of their surgery are the ones who are bringing the average down. I wish I could have been one of those women but I was a vegetable for the two weeks prior to surgery (partly because of an untimely case of brochitits) and in near-vegetable state for about a month before that. The anemia really knocked me out. Even on days when I felt as if maybe I could do some kind of exercise, I was afraid to walk for fear of my period showing up when I was a mile from a bathroom.

I also know that part of the weight gain had to do with the post-op carb fest. At two weeks that's all I wanted to eat. I told myself that's probably what my body needed so, against my better judgement, I ate carbs. I started the low-carb thing again after I realized that it probably was not my body telling me I needed hot fudge brownie sundaes. Now all I really want to eat is salad. Thank God!

Anyway, at 7 weeks post-op, I'm finally starting to feel like my old self again. Swelly belly continues to be my biggest complaint, literally and figuatively.

Odds & Ends

2005-06-29T12:03:00.000-04:00

I should post more often so I don't forget what I'm feeling/felt at the time I'm feeling it. Be that as it may, here we go.

Why do people think 6 is the magic number? Just because it's been 6 weeks (actually 7 now), I am NOT back to normal. I feel a heck of a lot better than I did a month ago, but I am by no means back to "normal." The main problem is that I'm so tired! Even if I don't overdo it, I still need to rest a lot during the day. When I'm stupid and I do overdo it, forget it. I have to take a nap and then lie down for the rest of the day and part of the next day. And "overdoing it" can be something as seemingly simple as pushing a shopping cart. Very frustrating.

Swelly belly sucks! When I wake up in the morning my stomach is as flat as it was last summer, before the fibroids started wreaking havoc. By about 6 p.m., it's swelled about about 6 inches or more. I can put on a skirt in the morning and it fits just fine. By early evening the buttons on the waist are ready to pop. And I go up an entire jeans size during the course of the day. Like I said, it sucks.

All these little aches and pains suck, too. Mostly, they're just annoying but, every now and then, I need to take something for them, and sometimes it doesn't even help. Last night, in fact, I was doubled over in pain at the grocery store. And people are SO compassionate, aren't they? As I was doubled over, a guy asked me to move because I was blocking the ice cream he wanted. That's why I hate going out shopping or to a restaurant, or even just for a walk, because I don't want people to think that just because I'm doing "normal" things, I feel normal.

Insomnia is a side effect I hadn't expected. After a week of not being able to get to sleep until about 5 a.m., and then only for a couple of hours, I bought an OTC sleep aid. So far, it works pretty well. Actually, it still takes about 2 hours for me to fall asleep, but at least I'm sleeping.

On the plus side, I am able to walk again for exercise, not just because I'm supposed to for the recovery. If it hadn't been so hot & humid here for the last few days, I'm sure I could have walked a mile. As it was, I almost did, although it did wipe me out. I think that was more from the humidity than the activity, though.

The biggest plus is that I finally lost 9 of the 13 pounds I gained after surgery. I gained it because I went back to my old habit of comfort eating. I felt yucky and felt sorry for myself, so I ate a lot of things I shouldn't have eaten. Now that I'm over that, and getting to where I was before the surgery, I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. Pre-surgery, I had gained 25 pounds from October to April. I've heard that gaining 20 due to fibroids is average, so I'm not beating myself up about that. I'm just going to buckle down and get it off again. I did it once (when I lost 125), so I can do it again. I'm sure of it.

I know there's a lot more I wanted to write but I can't remember what it was. Brain fog. Just another lovely side effect.

Aches & Pains

2005-06-23T14:31:00.000-04:00

For the most part, I feel fine, just very tired. But these aches and pains that show up whenever they feel like it are driving me nuts. Just when I think I can start getting back to my normal life, I have a bad day.

A Little Post-Surgery Humor

2005-06-17T10:34:00.000-04:00

Semi-private hospital room: $1,500
Anesthesiologist: $1,693
Surgeon: $2,000
No periods for the rest of your life: PRICELESS!

borrowed from Hyster Sisters.

Revelations (or finally facing the truth)

2005-06-15T11:41:00.000-04:00

For months I've been thinking that my gynecological problems have only been going on for, well, it's actually been about a year now. But a few days ago I remembered something. Five years ago I was having all kinds of medical problems and no one could figure it out. My doctor put me on thyroid medication and that seemed to help things a little. He also said I was borderline anemic and we'd have to keep an eye on that. I also saw my former GYN at around the time and I remember telling him about how my periods had changed and how painful they were. His advice? Take Pamprin every 3 hours instead of every 4 hours. Shortly after that I moved to California and didn't see a doctor while I was there. Actually, I went four years without seeing my GP and five without seeing a GYN. If only I'd known five years ago what I know now. If only I'd had the GYN then that finally made me feel better! But I'm not going to dwell on the five years of pain, discomfort and inconvenience. I'm going to look to the future which is looking pretty darn bright right now.

Kind of funny

2005-06-14T13:26:00.000-04:00

Before I post this I have to say that I'm in no way trying to minimalize the feelings this woman has. Everyone feels differently and recovers differently so there's no right or wrong way to feel. It's just that this struck me as kind of funny.

On a message board a woman who just had a LAVH was concerned that she hadn't had any bleeding or discharge after her surgery. I'm one of the lucky ones who didn't either and it's perfectly normal not to. What I think is funny is that fact that I've been bleeding having discharges at inopportune times for five years. Not having that is such a welcome relief that I can't even put it into words. I just think it's funny that someone would be concerned about not having anything. Don't question it. Enjoy it, baby!

I Miss My Doctor

2005-06-08T11:23:00.000-04:00

That's probably a weird thing but, I do. And it's not as if I'll be seeing him anytime soon because he doesn't practice here anymore. Although the local hospital thought he might be a permanent replacement for the OB/GYN who died unexpectedly in February (at age 43 from a rare and rapidly spreading form of cancer), he (actually, his wife) decided not to stay. So he was here from sometime in March to early June. Now he's gone, and I miss him.

Including all the office visits and all the times he came to see me in the hospital, I saw him more than I've seen any other doctor in my adult life -- and this was only in the period from March 31 to May 19. I guess, considering that, maybe missing him isn't quite so weird after all. Also, if you consider the fact that he's the guy who made me feel better after 5 years of my feeling like crap, and worse than crap since October, it makes perfect sense.

Oh well. I suppose I'll get over it. But I'll always be grateful for what he did for me.

Wearing White

2005-06-07T13:08:00.000-04:00

I just realized something. I'm wearing a white skirt today and I don't have to worry about checking for accidents. How cool is that?

Red Letter Day!

2005-06-07T12:16:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was able to fit into my pre-surgery jeans! I was even able to take a short walk in them. I was so excited. I would have been more excited if I could have sat down and/or put on regular shoes instead of clogs but, hey, at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel now. I'm hoping that soon I'll be able to fit into the pre-rapidly-growing-fibroids jeans. Only another few pounds to go. I really hate swelly belly but I hated the fibroids and everything that went along with them even more.

As long as I'm here, I should mention that I'm in the middle of my third "good day" in a row. Now I just have to remind myself to not overdo it because, if I do, it'll be another full day in bed. I hate when that happens, and I know I have no one to blame but myself.

Good Days and Bad Days

2005-06-01T11:55:00.000-04:00

This morning I was thinking that even during my worst day over the last week I felt better than I did on my best day over the last six months. I'm feeling pretty darn good about that. Actually, I'm feeling pretty darn good today in general. Still very tired but I'm not even 3 weeks post-op yet, so that's normal.

I'm am so glad I had this done!

I'm sure more whining will commence shortly, though. ;)

Still OK

2005-05-30T15:56:00.000-04:00

I have so much to write but I'm not quite up to it yet, although I have written a lot (a lot!) on paper. One thing I do have to say, though, is Hyster Sisters rocks! If anyone is coming here for hysterectomy info, I highly recommend that site.

I'm home!

2005-05-17T14:27:00.000-04:00

Actually, I got home Sunday afternoon and I'm feeling pretty darn good. I'll write more later.

The Truth

2005-05-11T11:55:00.000-04:00

One of the reasons I started this blog is that I was hoping to help other women going through the same thing. There are so many things about my condition that I didn't know anything about. I didn't even realize my symptoms were actually symptoms of fibroids. How could I have possibly known it could all lead to a hysterectomy?

But I haven't been as honest as I was hoping to be, especially concerning one aspect of all of this. I am scared to death! I usually try to hide my fears by using humor. Granted, I'm no Ellen DeGeneres, but I try. Maybe, though, it's time to stop trying and just be honest about how scared I am.

The main thing is, I'm afraid of something going wrong during the surgery. What if I end up being a vegetable or something? I think I've made it quite clear to people that if I can't write there's no point for me to be alive. But, wow, could that really happen? Could something really go that wrong? I can't help but think about it. I don't want to live as a vegetable but I'm nowhere near ready to die. Spiritually, I am. I think, for the most part, I've tried to live a life that will get me to heaven. But I have too much stuff to do on earth before I go to heaven. So, if anyone's going to pray for me, could ya pray for Dr. Ryskin and his team, too? I think they'll need it more than I will. I'll just be lying there, after all.

The rest of the stuff I'm scared about seems pretty minor compared to the thought of death. Pain. I hate pain. I've read on Hyster Sisters that it's really not that bad, especially with pain meds. But still. When I go to the dentist I need enough Novocaine that it doesn't wear off for 24 hours. What's an incision going to feel like?

I also have this strange fear that this one operation, albeit this one major operation, won't cure me. What if I'm doing all of this, getting my uterus removed, leaving me permanently unable to bear children, and it's not going to make me feel better. All indications say I will feel better but it's hard for me to believe that all of this is going to be taken care of and six months from now I'll feel good.

I'm just scared of everything. Please pray for me, ok? And let's hope that in a couple of weeks I'll be here telling y'all how well everything went.

Top Ten Reason to Have a Hysterectomy

2005-05-09T13:32:00.000-04:00

I've seen this a couple of other places, so here's my list:

10.I won't find the "just in case" pads and tampons hidden all over the place.

9.I can throw the "that time of the month" sheets away.

8.I won't have to have 2 sets of underwear, the good ones and the other ones.

7.I'll feel rested after 8 hours of sleep instead of feeling exhausted after 12.

6.I can stop being a contortionist in order to look in restroom mirrors to make sure I didn't leak.

5.Knowing where the restroom is when I walk into a store, restaurant or anyplace else, will not be a top priority.

4.I won't have a bloody hand everytime I wipe.

3.Sex will be much easier to plan. (Not that I'm gettin' much, but that could change.)

2.With all the money I'll be saving on feminine hygiene products and Pamprin, I can go on a nice vacation on a tropical island. Hell, I could probably buy a tropical island.

And the Number One Reason to Have a Hysterectomy:

1.I won't have to wear my "I'm not fat, I have fibroids" t-shirt anymore.*

*I really don't have one of those t-shirts, but I wanted one.

A Teensy Bit of Leftover Denial

2005-05-09T13:25:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning, after 4 whole hours of sleep (yay!) with a clean pad. I couldn't believe it! Even after a shower & getting dressed, there was nothing. I thought maybe it was over, then I laughed at myself and said "Anne, when's the last time you had a period that lasted only 4 days? Maybe, 1983?" Sure enough, it's back.

But that's nothing compared to Saturday. First, though, on Friday and most of Saturday, it wasn't all that bad. I thought maybe I was overreacting and a hysterectomy wasn't necessary after all. Then, the cramps hit. Bad! I was literally crying. And I can't take anything stronger than Tylenol, which doesn't work, because of the surgery. Then, I was soaking through overnight pads in an hour ... for six hours. Yeah, I said to myself, you need a hysterectomy.

Last one!

2005-05-07T17:08:00.000-04:00

It's my last period EV-VER! For real this time! If not, my doctor will have screwed up, big time, and I'm quite confident he's not going to do that.

If I didn't have such bad cramps & nausea & backache & dizziness & bleeding, I'd be thrilled. Actually, remembering that I'll never have to go through this again helps, too. I wish the Tylenol would work as well. Better yet, I wish there was something I could take besides Tylenol because that stuff never works for me.

OK. No more whining about it because ... I never have to deal with it again!!!

Obsessed

2005-05-02T14:32:00.000-04:00

I'm so obsessed with the surgery that I really don't care about anything else. I don't care about the spring cleaning that's going on or, geez, any of the day-to-day stuff my mom has been talking about. Of course now I feel guilty about that because just a little while ago she said "I wish I could give a hug big enough so everything would go away."

zzzzzzzz

2005-04-27T09:28:00.000-04:00

This extreme fatigue thing from the anemia is really getting to me. I've been tired from being sick before but, this is unreal. I slept from 4 p.m. Monday to 3 p.m. Tuesday, only waking up to go to the bathroom and to call in sick to work. Then, I slept from about 5 p.m. to 6:30 p.m., went to bed at 11 p.m. and woke up at 8 a.m. (Well, I did wake up to go to the bathroom 4 times.) Now, I could use another nap. Unreal.

Dichotomy

2005-04-25T08:42:00.000-04:00

I don't want to be babied, but I do want people to understand I'm not feeling well and I can't do everything I could do six months ago. I'll be fine six months from now (I hope!) but, right now I'm sick dammit. I don't want people treating my as if I'm dying, which I most certainly am not, but I'd like a little bit of sympathy, ya know?

Maybe I really don't know what I want but, I do know I'm not getting what I need.

Crisis!

2005-04-23T12:42:00.000-04:00

I may have to reschedule the surgery. Why?

Surgery date: May 12
Expected hospital release date: May 15
Expected date to be out of the house: May 29
Release date of new Star Wars movie: May 19

I see a major problem there, unless the movie doesn't get here right away or, if it does, if it's held over.

Oh, the dilemna!

Actually, rescheduling the surgery wouldn't be such a good idea. I'd probably have to get up to go to the restroom at least 3 times, my back would be killing me and, just my luck, I'd get my period in the middle of it.

OK. Crisis resolved. Have the surgery, then go see the movie in Buffalo ASAP. I'm sure it'll be held over there for awhile.

One more thing, non-Star Wars related. I thought my last period would be the last one. Nope. And I'll probably get another one, too. Kinda rubs salt in the wound, ya know?

Spongeworthy

2005-04-23T10:19:00.000-04:00

It figures. The Today Sponge is back on the market just when I don't need it anymore.

Well, I'm still going to use the Spongeworthy Scale to decide who to sleep with.

We have a date ... and no more money woes

2005-04-22T14:52:00.000-04:00

I'm scheduled for May 12 for a TAH. He did an exam to see if he could do it vaginally but, as soon as I saw the look on his face, I said "No chance?" His answer: "No chance at all."

So, I'm looking at three days in the hospital, in addition to the surgery day. He said it's possible I could be out in two days though, depending on how I feel. I'm gonna stay positive and say it'll be two.

There's good news on the financial front. If all goes well with the aid they're trying to get for me, I should only have to pay for 80 percent of it. Thank God! (And St. Theresa and John Paul the Great, to whom I have been praying.)

So, 20 days and counting. Eek! No. No eek. I'm trying really hard not to be scared.

Feeling better

2005-04-21T09:18:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was talking to a woman who had a hysterectomy last year. She said "Until you start feeling better, you won't realize how bad you feel right now." She said she'd recommend the surgery to anyone.

Although I'm scared to death of the surgery, and not looking forward to a long recuperation period, I'm totally looking forward to feeling at least as good as I did last summer.

Duh!

2005-04-21T09:15:00.000-04:00

Sure, I go to bed around 11 p.m. and wake up around 7 or 8 but ... and I repeat -- Duh! ... I'm not asleep the whole time. I'm up and down all night going to the bathroom. No wonder I don't feel rested. Again, duh!

Support Systems

2005-04-20T11:18:00.000-04:00

So far, all the people I've told about this have been extraordinarily supportive. I guess I didn't realize how many friends I have and how many people really do care about me. It's nice thing to know.

There's been a lot ... and I mean a lot ... of illness, disease and medical stuff at work, both with my co-workers and their families. Most of us have been very supportive of each other. Even the people who aren't offering support to others are getting it from the rest of us. Until now, I only fit into the mix because of my mother. But still, I got lots of offers of help. In a way, I kind of feel guilty about this. Being part-time, I'm supposed to fill in for vacations and such. But now vacations are coming up and I won't be available until mid-June, at the very earliest. I feel as if I'm letting everyone down. Obviously, though, I'm the only one who feels that way because most people have been great.

My sister has been wonderful, too. She's trying to figure out a way to be here the day I get out of the hospital. (She lives 3 hours away.) Her main problem is what to do with her 3-year-old and 4-year-old. Knowing my sister, though, she'll figure it out. I hope so, anyway. For some odd reason, I never thought I'd need my little sister like this.

And, I found an awesome site on the 'net. I've looked through a lot of it but still have more exploring to do. I'm absolutely certain I'm going to need them a lot very soon. I'm very grateful that they're there.

When the glass is more than half full

2005-04-20T10:46:00.000-04:00

I usually try to look at the glass as half full rather than half empty. That's why I'm trying to look past the upcoming surgery and look toward how good I'm going to feel after I recover. Yeah, I've been whining a lot but, for the most part, I'm OK with all of this. If it's going to make me feel better, yeah, I'm OK with this.

But for now, as I've mentioned ad nauseum, I feel like crap and I'm feeling worse everyday. When I said this to my Mom yesterday, she came up with a good analogy. Maybe it's something she learned in nursing school. Anyway, she said to think of my body as a glass and the symptoms as water. As the glass is slowly being filled, there's no problem. When the water gets closer to the top, you realize you may have a problem. But once you get to the top of the glass and the water is still coming, you definitely have a problem.

Makes sense to me.

Whining & Waiting Too Long

2005-04-20T08:19:00.000-04:00

I'm afraid of turning this into Anne's Whine Blog. I want to look back on this a year from now and remember how awful I felt and how far I've come. I also want other women to know they're not alone in how they're feeling. But I'm finding that it's hard not to cross the line from relaying how I feel to downright whining. Why? I just feel like crap.

I know one of the reasons I feel as bad as I do (and I'm feeling worse by the minute, it seems) is that I waited so long to get this taken care of. Last summer I felt better than I'd ever felt in my life. I was walking 5 miles almost everyday. Now, I have a hard time walking the half a block from my house to the mini mart and back. Last summer I practically jumped out of bed after 6 or 7 hours of sleep. Now, I sleep 9 or 10 hours a night, and take at least one nap during the day, and I'm still exhausted. I could sleep even more than I have been if I didn't have so much to do. Since about October of 2003 I very rarely took any kind of medication. Before that, it was mostly for problems with my teeth. For the last month or so, I've been taking Excedrin Migraine and ibuprofen everyday.

Why didn't I see that something was wrong with me? A couple of days ago I posted here that after losing so much weight I knew my body and I knew when something was wrong. I guess I knew something was wrong this time, but I gave myself the wrong diagnosis. I thought it was a combination of two things. Over the holidays I ate way too many carbs. I thought once I got back on Atkins, and stuck to it like I'd done before, I'd be fine. I also thought, because I'm 44, I was going through perimenopause and it was something I'd just have to deal with.

It wasn't until, after sticking to my diet religiously for a month, I couldn't zip up my "skinny jeans" anymore that I knew I had to go to the doctor. I wish I'd known months ago that symptoms of fibroid tumors are similar to those of perimenopause.

The moral of the story is: When your general practioner tells you to go to your gynecologist, especially if you haven't been in a couple of years, go to your gynecologist.

My sister

2005-04-19T10:29:00.000-04:00

I kinda feel bad for my sister. She didn't tell me very often but, every now and then, she'd mention something about her three boys having cousins. They have lots of cousins on her husband's side of the family but none on hers.

Rationalizing

2005-04-17T15:31:00.000-04:00

I loved my dog as if she was my baby. In the 13 years I had her, and the five years since I had to put her to sleep, she taught me a lot of things about motherhood. Primarily, I wouldn't have been a good one.

As doggie mommies go, I guess I was sufficient. I took care of her when she was sick. I made sure she was clean and fed and got enough exercise. I played with her a lot.

But I got frustrated a lot, too. I'm not proud of this. Actually, I feel a little guilty even now. See, sometimes I'd ignore her if I didn't feel like dealing with her. During those times, one of us would usually end up being locked in room so I didn't have to deal with her. Could I do that with a child? Would I have done that with a child? I don't know.

Since we put her to sleep 5 years ago I thought about getting another dog but there are quite a few reasons I didn't. There's no way I wanted to housebreak another dog. I didn't want to go through the hassle of learning what food she likes and doesn't like. I didnt' want to find out what her favorite toys are. I'd gotten used to coming and going as I pleased without having to worry about what to do with the dog, and if she'd be OK 'til I got back. I didn't want to give up any "me" time.

So, for the rest of my life I'll probably wonder if I would have been a good mother but, thanks to my dog, I think I already know the answer. Some people are meant to be mothers. Some people aren't.

Besides, even if procreation was still an option for me, the only guys I'm interested in procreating with are my age and older and already have kids. I'm not so sure they'd want to be starting over (especially the one who's married to someone else). And, even if I had a kid now, I'd be 50 when he/she started kindergarten. I'm not so sure I could keep up with the kid, or the other moms.

Annoyances

2005-04-17T15:13:00.000-04:00

One of the worst symptoms of all of this is the frequent urination. A few minutes ago I almost literally cried "Please, I don't want to pee again!" I had just gone to the bathroom 20 minutes before that, and hadn't had anything at all to drink since then. I'm tellin' ya, it's exhausting. Up and down and up down just to go to the bathroom. I hate to go anywhere because I'm not sure when I'll have to go and if there will be a restroom available.

The headaches I can deal with, as long as I take Excedrin as soon as I feel one coming on, and it kicks in quickly. The backaches are tolerable, as long as I take ibuprofen to dull the pain. Now that my period is over (and, I'm still happy that it was the last one! I hope.) I don't have to deal with that and all it entails, besides the pain. But the seemingly constant trips to the bathroom are really getting on my nerves.

Random thoughts

2005-04-16T13:37:00.000-04:00

This is probably my last period. Ya know what? I'm not one bit upset about that. I'm more upset about not being able to go skydiving, which I was going to do for the newspaper's special summer section.

Until the surgery, I want to wear a T-shirt that says "I'm not fat. I have fibroids."

I'll never again have to worry about what kind of birth control to use and, more important, did it work.

When people find out I'm in the hopsital I can say "See? I told you I didn't feel well."

I'm wondering if not being able to bear children will be more attractive to guys in the age group I'd like to date.

I hope I don't have a reaction to the anesthetic (sp?) or any of the drugs.

I hope they give me good pain medication ... and lots of it.

How long will I have to be away from my computer? I wish I had a laptop.

The two women I've talked to about this, who have had hysterectomies told me the recovery process took a fairly long time but, six months later, they felt better than they've ever felt in their lives. I hope the same holds true for me.

A woman at work is 3 months pregnant. Despite my desire not to have children, that's going to be hard for me.

There's a commercial for some menopause drug. Part of it says "If you have a uterus ..." Yeah. Rub it in.

If I even feel like eating in the hospital, will they have low-carb-friendly stuff?

And, yeah, I'm still thinking about the cost. But what are they going to do? Not treat me?

Hearing the h-word

2005-04-16T11:48:00.000-04:00

After asking if I had any thoughts about having children, my GYN told me the best option was a hysterectomy. That shocked me. I'm still in a minor state of shock but, I suppose that's normal. It's only been 23 hours since he told me. I'm sure it really hasn't even sunk in yet.

Right now, the thing I'm most worried about is how I'm going to pay for it. I don't have insurance. That's what I get for quitting my full-time job to follow my dream, I guess.

I've also been thinking about not being able to have children. In my adult life, I never really wanted them. I don't have that maternal instinct. I've always told myself that it was better not to have them then to have them and realize I'm not a good mother.

I guess I'll never find out what kind of mother I would have been.

The ultrasound

2005-04-16T11:39:00.000-04:00

This was just me being stupid, I guess. I've had a couple of ultrasounds before so I thought I knew what to expect. I don't know why I didn't think it would be internal. I was just glad I took the "gynecologist shower" and did the "gynecologist shave," if you know what I mean. :)

It didn't hurt. It wasn't even uncomfortable, really, although my GYN did apologize for the discomfort. He said he was just looking for my ovaries but said the fact that he was having trouble finding them was good. It meant they weren't enlarged.

After the procedure, he told me what I'd already learned from my Internet research. I had fibroids. I didn't think I'd have five, though. And I didn't think they'd be the size of golf balls. But at least I knew my protruding abdomen had nothing to do with not sticking to my diet.

The next two weeks

2005-04-16T11:30:00.000-04:00

The earliest I could be scheduled for an ultrasound was two weeks from the date I heard the words "enlarged uterus." I spent those two weeks doing a lot of research. I was relieved to find that, according to my symptoms, I probably had fibroid tumors. I was further relieved to learn that fibroids don't turn into malignant tumors.

I was especially interested in reading about the treatment options. I knew wasn't going to go for the "do nothing" approach and wait for menopause. I'm only 44. There's no way I could go through this for however many years I'd have to wait for menopause. The other options ranged from a simple in-office procedure to a hysterectomy. I thought I'd probably have an option somewhere in between, based on the way I felt. I was thinking same-day surgery, maybe.

But the symptoms got worse over the next two weeks. I was taking ibuprofen, Pamprin, Excedrin migraine. All of that just seemed to dull all the various kinds of pain I was having. It never really went away.

I even had to buy new skirts to fit over my abdomen because, now that the weather was nicer, I couldn't cover it up with long bulky sweaters.

I also had another period, 18 days after the last one. The bleeding was very heavy. The cramps had me incapicitated for an entire day and part of another.

I kept counting down the days until the ultrasound. At least then I'd have an idea of when all of this was going to end.

The Gynecologst Visit

2005-04-16T11:16:00.000-04:00

My gynecologist unexpectedly died in early February. He was in his early 40s. Although I'd only been to him a couple of times I was just as devastated as his other patients were. So, not only was I going to the GYN because something was wrong, I was going to a new gynecolgist I didn't even know. I was apprehensive, to say the least.

I told Molly the nurse all my period-related symptoms. She told me to make sure I told the doctor. I did. He said "Well, we'll try and find out what's causing that." I jokingly asked "Could it possibly be because I'm 44?" He and Molly both laughed. He said it's possible but he didn't want to say anything yet. I told him I was perfectly aware of the fact that I'm 44. We joked a little more about being 44 (he is, too) and how getting older sucks. He did the PAP smear. No problem. I couldn't tell, though, if the exam was taking longer than usual because I hate it so much and it was just my imagination, or if it really was taking longer. I later realized it wasn't my imagination. When he was finished with the internal, he pressed down on my abdomen. I could tell by the look on his face we weren't going to be joking anymore.

He told me I had an enlarged uterus and I needed to have an ultrasound. He told me we'd talk about everything after that.

Knowing something is wrong

2005-04-16T11:13:00.000-04:00

I spent the last two years losing more than 100 pounds. Aside from the obvious, one of the advantages of losing weight and getting healthy is the fact that you learn about your body. You know when there's something wrong. You know if you don't feel quite right it can't be attributed to the fact that you're 100 pounds overweight.

Although I knew something was wrong, I was still attributing it to perimenopause. I was hoping the gynecologist would be able to give me something to make me feel better.

Pre-diagnosis

2005-04-16T10:40:00.000-04:00

Last May I went to see my general practiioner for a check-up. I felt fine but, because I'm doing Atkins, I wanted to get everything checked out to make sure I was fine, which is what the Atkins folks tell you you're supposed to do. But the GP also asked me when my last gynecologist visit was. Because I was 43 at the time and my mother has had breast cancer, I was hesitant to admit that I hadn't been to the GYN in 3 years. My GP told me that he would schedule my mammogram but I had to make a GYN appointment because I was overdue for a PAP smear. He ordered some blood tests, too, then scheduled my next visit with him for August. Blood tests were fine. Mammogram was fine. I still hadn't made the GYN appointment. My GP asked if I'd been having any problems with my periods. I told him they were getting kind of irregular, I was having some clotting and the cramps and backaches were getting kind of bad. He told me I should really make an appointment with my GYN.

In early October I had one of the worst periods I'd ever had since I started having them when I was 12. The cramps were almost unbearable. My flow was extremely heavy. I was using "super" tampons and "overnight" pads at the same time and still have to change them at least every 2 hours. But I still didn't make the GYN appointment. I assumed it was all related to perimenopause and I was just going to have to live with it. Two weeks after that 10-day nightmare ennded, it started all over again. Still, I was thinking perimenopause.

After that, I was pretty much OK for a while. The cramps were still pretty bad and I was still seeing some clotting but, for the most part, it wasn't much of a problem. Then February rolled around and I started feeling like crap. My back and thighs hurt so much that I could even take my daily walk and any other kind of exercise was hell. And I like exercise. I had gained a little bit of weight, so I was sticking to my diet very strictly. Still, I went up a jeans size. Weird thing was, the jeans and my other pants fit fine everyplace but my stomach. I found myself waking up five or six times during the night to go to the bathroom. I assumed it was because I was drinking too much water to help my dieting. My period was pretty bad, too. So, was the one I got two weeks later, and two weeks after that.

I knew something was wrong. I called the gynecologist.